There's Always Somethin'

Time to Let it Go

2011-02-13T21:58:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow it'll be a year since my lesson in blood being thicker than water and I realize it's time to let it go in order to move forward.

For the entire time I've been with my husband, I have carried with me certain events and realize just how hypocritical I am when it comes to my own things. For how can I criticize someone for hanging onto something from 10 yrs ago, when I myself have tendency to do the same?!

I realize if I don't forget what happened and move forward that I will do an injustice to myself and my relationship with my sister in laws. Do we need to be best friends? No. Do we need to be close as sisters? No. I want to, but it will take time and repair. I am thankful for the best friends that are my sisters. So if it doesn't work out to be that way over time- then it's okay. But from tomorrow on, I am going to let go of what happened last year and look for the relationship of the future.

Missing the Boat

2011-02-12T11:52:00.003-06:00

In this new Web 2.0 world, there's so much online and offline communication. People have leveraged social media as a way to keep in touch and learn from each other. But while I have been active in this arena personally, I haven't quite figured out how I will embrace it to help me professionally- because I don't want to miss the boat.

I often feel conflicted on just how much to share and how much is too much. I am confident in my ability to establish bonds and relationships, but how much of that can be done online?

This week as I met with counterparts from around the country, I noticed how many of them knew each other online first and then met at this conference. And I am intrigued by that idea while I realize I don't have the slightest clue how to achieve that. And as silly as this notion is- I let my own insecurities keep me from doing it. The fear of rejection prevents me from "friending" someone I don't know. Cause in real life I am selective in my associations so what makes it different online?

So I am at a crossroads in embracing the technology and have to decide whether I want to jump on board and develop my policies and procedures on how I will utilize all these new tools or if I want to continue to be a passive, quite voice and miss the boat.

Lunar New Year

2011-02-03T17:25:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year again... Chinese New Year that is!

In addition to the traditional New Year on Jan 1 and Thai New Year sometime around April; my grandmother on my dad's side has always celebrated Chinese New Year as well. In fact, my husband often comments that our family is always celebrating a new year of some sort. And although the comment is made in jest, today I find myself thinking about these traditions that even as an adult- I have to admit I don't fully understand.

This year grandma is still in Thailand, however, the day usually is a day of really good food that she prepares and then does an offering up to our family that has passed. And I realize that because I don't fully understand what all is involved or the symbolism behind the food prepared etc, how would I continue that? My children most certainly lose that part of their heritage.

As part of a mixed couple, I often think of my contribution to the "melting pot" of today's world (that's a whole other post, for another time)and how that forever changes the genetic make up for my children and both our families. And although my husband and I both agree it is important for them-the children- to know their heritage, how will they if I myself am guilty of not knowing?! Is it too late to learn? What I do know is that I have limited time to learn from my grandmother and mother and implement my own traditions so that these little traditions don't have to end with me.

Inspiration App

2011-01-26T20:32:00.003-06:00

I've recently downloaded an Inspiration App on my iPhone and while the phone has gotten me in sticky situations regarding the autocorrect feature; I have thoroughly enjoyed the inspirational quotes each day!

For today, I see...
"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way" - Henry David Thoreau

Isn't this the truth?! Lately I've thought A LOT about my past and decisions I made...mostly unwise and reckless decisions. I can't explain now how much I was a mess then, but it took A LOT of mistakes for me to realize the decisions I made were not who I wanted to be.

The person I have become is far improved compared to the person I was.

I had such a destroyed image of myself and my value that I recklessly lived my life in the relationships I chose to have. And now that I am where I am- I often think of how it bothers me that people in my past have the wrong idea of who I really was then and now. I was weak and craved something that I found in the wrong places.

Do I regret those? Not necessarily because those experiences helped me get to where I am, but do I wish I could sweep things under a rug and into a secret vault? Heck yeah!! Which is why today, I'm inspired by the above quote.

Points Plus

2011-01-24T20:39:00.004-06:00

Today I walked into a Weight Watchers and joined the monthly program.
Hoping for the motivation to lose some weight and get some of my self esteem back. Everything I put on doesn't look right and they all show lumps that shouldn't be there. I have been trying to track calories on my own, but I haven't been making the best choices in my food.

I am going to do my best to "work the system" and hope that the system will work for me. They seem to have it really user friendly and easy to calculate your points. My goal this week is to get back to working out in the mornings and to track my points. My ultimate hope is to drop the weight and be healthier for me and my husband.

And while I will not track my weight and losses publicly on this blog, I will say that the scale was a staggering combination of numbers that I should have never get to this point.

The Gift of Yourself

2011-01-18T04:48:00.004-06:00

Since the beginning of this year,I am overcome with an incredible sense of wanting to "change the world." Last night at my Altrusa Club meeting, the CEO of St. Vincent de Paul talked about how many homeless and needy they helped in 2010. He said, that the gift of ourselves is so unique and special and that only we control that. He said their mission is to give a "hand up and not a hand out." And I'm so drawn to wanting to help, but I'm just not sure how to juggle it all.

Between work and having to battle it's constant challenges to being a wife, daughter, sister, and friend- There just isn't enough of my time and attention to go around efficiently and effectively. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of weddings, showers, birthdays, parties, work etc that I'm seriously thinking... At What Point Does it Have to Stop?

Who do I say "no" to without hurting feelings or missing out? How can I maintain all those things and take on my desire to volunteer and make a difference? At what point do I stop being selfish and do things for those who truly need it?

As tweeted by the Dalai Lama this morning "By going beyond your own problems and taking care of others, you gain inner strength, self-confidence, courage, and a greater sense of calm."

I must find a balance and give the gift of myself MORE to my career, my husband, my family, my friends, and to others in need!

Where's My Motivation?

2011-01-08T00:31:00.005-06:00

After only one week into the new year and I feel as if it's already been non-stop. Lots of things I want to accomplish but not enough time in the day to do them.
I'm spinning wheels and working, working, working- busy, busy, busy yet I have nothing accomplished!

I want to give so much of my time to do things and have all these ideas, but there just isn't enough time to do it all.

I want to wake up early, work out and take care of myself and my health, but I end up staying up late and not waking up. I want to be active. I want to work out. I miss boot camp. I want to start tennis again.

I'm getting disgusted about my weight and the food I'm putting into my mouth. I'm obsessed with how lazy I've gotten and my constant thinking about food. I wish I had the ability to just turn that off and not worry about it, but I've gotten way overweight and it's got to stop. I've never been one to compare myself to my friends, but being around all of them being so thin- I have noticed myself envious. I don't feel attractive and dispise waking up and getting dressed.

I feel overwhelmingly disorganized. I have papers, cards, packets, bills, reciepts things all over at home and at the office. I want to just throw out my filing system and start over! I'm a pack rat and keep everything for sentimental reasons, but how often do I actually ever go back and review them. I try to organize my work files, but I'm not too successful with that.

Money. There's never enough. I'm horrible with my shopping and my feeling to spend and what I think is controlled, just isn't gonna cut it. I need more restraint and self control. I don't need more clothes, shoes- yet I look at what I have and feel as if I have nothing.

I am finally about to start the Battered Women's shelter volunteer training program. This is a group that I have been wanting to get involved with for a while now, but even the required training falls in conflict with work or our weekend events- is my problem learning to say no? or is my problem poor time management?

GRE is still untaken. Not a book has been touched to study. When I get home in the evening- why can't I take an hour to study? Probably because when I get home I'm too worried about food and by the time I figure out dinner and eat etc, the evening is late. I've got to get back in school.

Speaking of home. Nothing is ever clean enough. I pick up, pick up, pick up and even with a housekeeper- I feel the house is always dirty. Of course, it doesn't help when my husband leaves a trail of crumbs, but he helps and takes care of his own clothes etc, yet I still feel our house isn't clean or organized enough! I am constantly concerned about crumbs, the trash, clean towels, uncluttered counter tops, sweeping the floor and yet I know we're not nearly as dirty as some other ppl's houses.

With work...there's just so much I want to be able to do, but it's so limiting when I don't have the support I need. When departments can't function the way they are supposed to and when people can't do the jobs they were hired to do! I want to be making an impact instead just feel like I'm running in circles chasing my own tail!

Guess sitting here I can't complain, I just have to do. Make my own motivation!

Resolution Time

2011-01-01T12:33:00.004-06:00

Wow was 2010 not only quick, but a great year of many blessing and good things!!!

We rang in 2010 in Orlando- left the very much loved Caddo house, bought a new house- adjusted to being "in the country", had showers and parties-got married, travelled- even if it was short trips, worked and worked and more work, but as I sit here on 1-1-11 I can without reservation say...we had a very wonderful and very blessed year.

After the wedding I wanted to focus on doing for others what many have done for us. We have been so blessed to be settled in our new home and have very much enjoyed having friends and family around us. In 2011, my focus will continue to offer what I can of myself to help others that need it.

We attended many weddings this past year including our own and in 2011, I look forward to the many weddings and celebrations already on track for very close friends and hope there will be one in store soon for one of my bff-s. And while I'm so overjoyed for those couples about to enter into marriage- I am sad for those around me going through tough times, but have faith they can pull through it. I'm still in the "honeymoon" phase and am overjoyed at just how wonderful the first 6 months have been. I am lucky. In 2011, my focus will be to appreciate what I do have more and to not take it for granted.

I hope the new year will bring new opportunities career wise for both me and my husband. In 2011, I will only concentrate on my responsibilities and I have got to quit worrying about other people and what they are or are not doing. I know that what I'm doing is for a purpose and one day it will be noticed and one day it will be rewarded. For him- I wish he can find something he can enjoy doing and not have to work as hard. He's been so self-less in the dedication to his work; but I know he's meant to do bigger and better things and we'll get it figured out.

I can't imagine what things are in store for the coming year, but I hope we will continue to be blessed and look forward to all the experiences 2011 has in store.
So here's to another year ending and another year beginning!

Day of Thanks

2010-11-27T02:08:00.003-06:00

This year I'm thankful for so much:

1) A loving, accepting, supportive family- they have been so giving this year and my life post marriage with the family has been the happiest ever! I truly value the relationship more, appreciate the sacrifices, and look forward to the moments in the coming years

2) My husband and new in-laws- my husband continues to do all he can and sacrifice for me and I'm not always appreciative of it. My in-laws couldn't be more welcoming and accepting and I truly enjoy seeing the repaired relationship between them and my husband. I am thinking of them very much so as they are preparing for a new grandbaby.

3) My friends- I am so extremely blessed to have so many good friends in my life. This includes the close people who truly look out for me, love me, have fun with me, and care about the things in my life and also those that are just acquaintances and are always willing to lend a helping hand or offer a listening ear.

4) Work/all the material things- I am grateful that I have a job and for the flexibility that I can do what I do. And although there are definitely things to improve; I am fortunate to be able to have a very comfortable, enjoyable lifestyle. I love my house and look forward to making it our home. I think another year of a shaky economy and unstable world affairs lie ahead of us so I'm thankful that we are able to have all that we have.

5) My health- Although I need to be better about taking care of me ie. weight, skin, hair etc. I am thankful that I can wake up everyday and see the world, hear the sounds, taste the foods, smell the smells and that I can do so without a disabling challenge for those moments can be stripped from you at any second. Just this week my counterpart in Texas was involved in a horrible car accident!

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Another year almost done. I continue to be thankful for all the blessings in my life and want to strive to help others and give more of myself to help others instead of just myself.

Harsh Reality

2010-11-24T11:44:00.002-06:00

This week I learned a few very valuable lessons.

You can't expect a person who only thinks of themselves and what benefits them to think logically and make the decision that is right for the greater good. Things will always be unfair and uneven as long as they always benefit from it.

You can't trust someone who only tells you what you want to hear and then plays boths sides of an issue and deliberately leaves you to fend for yourself. Don't let the responsibility of what's right lie solely in that person.

I learned that no matter how much you are dedicated to something; you still change that you don't matter at the end of the day and you can survive the environment better once you learn when to walk away, leave it alone, and not take it so personally.

But most of all, the lesson is to continue to be the person you are regardless of any injustice you think is being done because life isn't always fair and you simply have to believe that what you do will someday pay off.

Down and Out

2010-11-19T10:20:00.004-06:00

I am not going to lie, the past two months have just been difficult.

I am tired, unmotivated, and crabby. I am helpless and beyond just the whirlwind of life; I am disappointed.

Disappointed in myself for another year passing and doing nothing note worthy of excellence in my career. The feeling that where I am is just not going to cut it.

Disappointed that my husband and I are spending soooo much of our time working and for what benefit?? A better life? Cause it's certainly not for the money.

Disappointed with myself that I cave into weakness and shop for clothes that I don't need in hopes of getting some sort of self-satisfaction and then disappointed that I am too fat to even look good in clothes these days- but too darn unmotivated to do anything about it!

I have tried to be positive and be thankful for the blessings we do have because there are many, but these days in all the busy-ness I can't seem to get past the desire to want more... More time in the day, More giving of time and money to volunteering and helping, More things for the house so it can be home, More help at home with the upkeep and cleaning, and especially more support at work, More time with my husband, More time with my parents, More money, More desire and motivation for personal goals, just more- more- more.

Trapped in a Whirlwind

2010-10-31T15:13:00.003-05:00

I can't believe over a month has passed and I haven't had the chance to stop and blog.
So much has happened that I felt the title adequately conveys my current mood. This weekend was the first in a loooong time that I allowed myself some time to just relax and spend time by myself and I'm finding that I'm enjoying it.

I believe I am the Queen of overbooking and running myself crazy because when I have too much downtime, I'm not sure what to do with it. Anyway, let's see if I can do a quick recap:

1) Thailand trip. Seeing my grandfather at just under 100 yrs of life and being a part of the funeral services will forever be engrained to memory. While this trip lacked all the "usual" things we do; it'll never replace the experience and celebration of such a giving, unselfish, knowledgeable, and spiritual man. In my maturity I have also come to appreciate the part of my family that I never realized was so special. At the same time, I saw in my husband, the same patient, giving and unselfish service and I truly fell in love with him all over again.

2) Running on Empty. We BOTH have been just working, working, working. Housework is never ending and the "to dos" are endless. HE's completely run down and tired and I know he's feeling hopeless with his job, but I'm hopeful that all of his hardwork will pay off and that he can be proud of himself instead of beat down the way is he some days. On the flip side, we had a great date night with friends to the Molly Ringwald's concert and for that I am thankful. He felt the need to award me for putting up with him, but isn't that what I'm supposed to do?

3) Blogging in the Workplace. It's safe to say that I do not use company time to post my blogs, but someone did. That someone was the same person that for a little over a year I couldn't let go of the fact that they weren't responsible or accountable. Now that the person has since been "removed," I realized that the problem goes beyond that. But those are things I cannot change, so I can only do what I'm supposed to be doing and continue to give my best even when I'm discouraged and stay hopeful that the right people notice the right things.

4) Lovin' my Kindle. I have been reading quite a bit since I got my Kindle. I enjoy it. I read mostly self helps or business related, but I'm enjoying a little fiction too. I got sucked into the Girl with the Dragon Tatoo craze and enjoyed it, although I'm not sure if I will continue the series. I am currently reading The Fred Fractor and enjoying the basic principles of it. I tried reading Bethanny Frankel's book and although I love her; I can't seem to get through it- must be why I can't unleash my inner skinny girl!

5) Bootcamp Bummer. I have been unmotivated to work out and I've been eating, eating, eating and boy am I showing it. I need to get motivated again and I need to work at it, but so far I've let everything else bog me down and I've used my busy schedule as an excuse, but that's not good enough anymore. I shouldn't have an excuse.

6) New kid on the Block. I have just hired a new assistant. I think it'll be another good situation, but the beginning training part is the worst. It's having to stop what you're doing to show someone else what they need to be doing. Its forcing me to slow down and it's forcing me to really think and plan which I am not used to doing. I feel so unorganized. In the long run, I think it'll only make my department better.

7) Tis' the Season. I can't believe how quickly this year has flown. So many changes and good memories. And before we know it... the holidays are around the corner. Hope life gets to slow down a bit so we can enjoy it!

Up to the Challenge

2010-09-06T23:54:00.003-05:00

I have got a lot of things ahead of me. It's time for me to step up to the plate and shine. I have a lot at stake and am completely overwhelmed by the things "to do" and how I can achieve them.

Yet I feel stagnant. I feel as though I am turning my wheels and getting no where. Are the things I'm doing getting me any closer to achieving success? I have this idea of how I am professionally, but what if people don't see me that way? What if I can be doing more? Will getting another degree change that for me?

What more should I do? What are other people doing that I am not? Will I get there?

On one hand, I want to enjoy the joys of life i.e. spending time with family, hanging with friends, enjoy my life as a newly wed, but on the other...those who do that too much will never get ahead. No one who truly achieved success in life did it easily and without hard work. Do I work hard enough? Am I not sacrificing something? What quality of life am I willing to give up to achieve greatness.

I am a self-help junkie. I try to read what I can in order to be a better me- yet do I ever implement them? Am I even absorbing it all in or am I too busy thinking of a million other things that I don't? Will I be a better me? I HAVE to.

I want to be a good wife, a good employee, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good person etc. But what I realize now is good is not good enough. I need to be GREAT at all those things. I need to juggle my life better and be a better person. I have to be better,faster, smarter,quicker, nicer and everything in between.

Following the wedding, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from every direction (and I still do for I am still receiving wedding gifts) so my idea this year is to start doing less for me and more for others. Well, I don't think I've done enough of that.

Tonight, as I prepare for what's going to be a gruesome two weeks, I feel totally unprepared and unequipped to "shine,' but I HAVE to do my best to live up to the challenge. I HAVE TO BE BETTER. I HAVE TO BE GREAT. I HAVE TO. I JUST HAVE TO!

The First Five, Five Years Later

2010-08-23T10:46:00.005-05:00

This post was started 2 weeks ago and I've just had the time to piece all my thoughts together.

Last night as I wrapped up a great weekend hanging out with one of my best friends, I sat on the sofa to watch Dateline NBC's Hurricane Katrina special. For an hour they recounted the events from 5 years ago and the first 5 days following the storm and it gave me a chance to reflect just how that storm affected all our lives and where we are today and just what has been done...

Five years ago, this hurricane rocked our world. For months all of my friends were spread out- many in interesting living arrangements and many resulting in life changing events.

As this special recounted what happened to all the people who had no place to go and were at the convention center waiting on relief and help and were receiving no responses, it didn't focus on what happened to everyone else! Yes, I have sympathy and I cried as I watched those images, but...

What about those who stayed behind as first line caretakers?
- Doctors, nurses all suffered while trying to take care of others.
My own mother took post at the hospital while almost losing her own life due to high-jacked supplies and the horrifying heat and conditions resulting from not having power. The longest days were not hearing from her and knowing what was going on with her. A feeling I hope to NEVER relive.

What about those who evacuated and lost everything and while living out of town or out of state on their own dime...were just waiting for an opportunity to have a "home" again?
- We had several members displaced and working out of our office trying to keep their businesses together
- My friends were all dispersed trying to find refuge and housing in Baton Rouge and places west of NOLA
- My own little condo housed my family and friends of the family, which often got to be challenging

Why didn't they recount the horrible experiences of the national guard who were activated and stationed in New Orleans before the storm hit?
- My now husband was in New Orleans before the storm hit and while I don't know all the details of what he experienced and what he went through specifically in the Super Dome and while he was living in a tent on Tchopitoulas... I do know his dreams were haunted for a long while as a result of the things he witnessed.
- But those people were there dealing with savages who were so "victimized."

Now five years later, many families have rebuilt, returned, and continue to rebuild. For those groups that sat around, helpless and waiting for the federal government to intervene- well it's apparent that those people are still waiting.

And while many marriages and families were started as a result of Katrina- they too have grown into their own. Many lost things, never recovered and all in all everyone still has hope and a love for the city we all called home. Many realized material possessions aren't the things that truly matter. And now in the wake of the oil spill crisis, we still don't know what challenges lie ahead, but people have hope. Hope for a state that has always recovered and rebounded. Is this overall optimism denying the problems we do have? FAR FROM IT!!!But the spirit of the people here is one of perseverance and I don't know that there is any other place in the world with this attitude like where I am today.

Spoiled But Not Rotten

2010-08-17T10:31:00.005-05:00

The other morning on my way to a volunteer commitment I was driving behind a red Chevy Camaro which had a license plate in red glitter that says "Spoiled but not Rotten."

First thought: NOT!!
Second thought: Why would someone even put something like that on their car??
Lastly: Little did I realize that would become the title of this post.

Last week I purchased an old sofa set from a friend of mine. It was RED which is not a color I would typically pick for a living from, but for $200- I figured it would "hold me over" from wanting new furniture until we can actually afford nice furniture.

I've been wanting a living room set since we moved into the Caddo house last year! But I held off thinking "I'd rather buy when I'm in some place more permanent..." Well that time is here... I am in something permanent.

So the deal with the friend's sofa fell through (reason not important) but of course I'm now set on buying furniture AND we just received our $8,000 tax credit refund :)

So Sunday, I was home by myself... Not always good for me. Idle time for me = spending money (not always, but often.) So I wandered my way to a furniture store. Found the set that I could see in my living room and picked out stuff for our bedroom. I can't tell you how much having this house "unfinished" has been tugging at me!! So Sunday evening, I asked my husband if I could get the furniture. I was shot down and told to wait and YES I was upset and YES I did get pouty. I don't understand 1) why I have to wait and 2) I have been waiting and I'm ready for it now. So I threw out some suggestions and got no answer. Typical, let's just ignore her and maybe she'll stop asking me about it. So I was annoyed.

Well, little did I know it would be the source of my husband's aggravation that lasted through the night and into the next day. So when we finally discussed it...he said he didn't like that I pouted when I didn't get my way and called me spoiled.

Spoiled?? - You freakin' knew that about me already...you can't exactly hold it against me after the fact!! It's not like I went out and bought the furniture without first consulting him. It's not like I am wanting to spend a fortune. YES I did pout and YES I didn't like his answer, but really....Spoiled But I'm NOT Rotten.

He wants me to wait, fine. I will, but it's absolutely driving me nuts!!! It tugs at me a little everyday. I want to be able to enjoy my new house with this brand new furniture and I don't think I'm being overly unrealistic about it.

I hate our house unfinished and although I can recognize that not everything is going to be instant, I don't think asking to build up each room, little by little is spoiled.

It's Time to Move On

2010-08-07T12:14:00.004-05:00

Wow!!! This week was tough!!

I left fuming and frustrated. I got emotional and I shouldn't have. I cried at the frustration for a situation I cannot control. I got no resolution at least not in the forseeable future. "Hang in there, keep the faith" are great in concept, but I need solutions.

So, the ONLY thing I CAN control...is me. So it's time. It's time for me to move onto the next thing. Because I know I am better and can do better. I have a lot of things to contribute and I am a hard worker. Change is scary, but it can also be good.

I am ready.

Everywhere You Go

2010-08-02T23:21:00.003-05:00

So I've had the same underlying issue going on work wise for what has been over a year. Different details to the situations, but they all boil to the same thing and one MAJOR problem- Accountability and Responsibility. And the outcome is always the same- NOTHING.

It's frustrating and some weeks it REALLY bothers me and some weeks I'm over it. Some days I'm fuming and some days it doesn't even phase me. I care too much and I get too caught up in it and it affects me deeply and affects my moods. I don't like the person I am as a result of it. I make myself miserable and all the people around me miserable because I'm so unplesant.

Why can't I just let this go? Why haven't I been able to shake this feeling?
How can I rise ABOVE this and be the better person and continue to concentrate on myself and my career and NOT let this situation I can't control...control me?!

So on days like today, I want to walk away and abandon all that I have worked for on an emotion that ebbs and flows. I hate that I even think so recklessly and although I have options; I am not able to take those leaps without a game plan at least not in this economy. And what it all boils down too is everywhere you go; you can have the same issues. No place is immune to it- so is jumping ship really that great of an idea??

Infectious Attitudes

2010-07-29T09:23:00.005-05:00

They say people come into your life for a reason and that if you surround yourself by positive people you can reap positive things. I believe that I've got a good group of people close to me and I have been very fortunate to have so many people care about me as evident in our wedding celebrations etc.

One person in particular that I have really admired is Jenn Ocken. She's the photographer from my wedding and will probably be for my life. We met a year and a half ago and she was recommended to me from another good friend. I was apprehensive at first, but after that initial meeting- her infectious, positive, free-spirited attitude won me over!! I had to convince my now husband that she was going to photograph our wedding and more importantly that she was worth it!! See for me, it's not about the money spent- it's about the feeling you get around that person.

This morning Jenn's Facebook status is "We are molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act." ~Buddha
How positive and how encouraging! I can only aspire to be that way and think that way more often!!

I also want to share the work she did from our Buddhist ceremony...

She's so talented,creative and I just love her spunk!! She had so much going on in her personal life the week of my wedding, but she still managed to be with us and celebrate with us without even skipping a beat. She gets me and she gets my husband. There hasn't been a time we have been around each other that we haven't had a blast!!! Sure that's the "professional" thing to do, but honestly, if she wasn't up to it that week... I wouldn't have thought a thing!

Anyway, I admire her courage, her talent, her strength, and most of all her free spirit. Her attitude is infectious and is it weird to say I wish I could have that around me all the time??

Fruits of My Labor

2010-07-29T08:50:00.003-05:00

Well, maybe not mine...at least not yet.

When I was in high school my mother gave my brother and I credit cards. Some may think this is the spoiling of your children and in many ways it certainly is, but until recently I didn't truly appreciate what that would mean for me and the sacrifices it meant for them.

My college days were spent blowing my "allowance" on top of charging for all the "necessities." Not to mention I was living in a "luxury" apartment as a college student. Sure I was making my own paycheck, but who could honestly live off of $5.25/hour internship money?!

Now 2 months post-wedding; I finally understand and appreciate how hard my parents work and how much they spared me from ever "going without." I can't honestly think of a time when I did. I am sooo blessed and humbly say that I don't know what that's like and I know how lucky I am for that.

Last night, my husband and I went and purchased a brand new truck. This is significant in several ways:

1) It's the first time for him that he's actually getting something for him and he can enjoy it. (ok so I def. inserted a strong opinion and swayed it to what I wanted) but nonetheless, this is a big deal for him and he is truly DESERVING of it even though I see his hesitancy and he questions whether he should.

2) Without the foundation that my mother started as far as credit cards... my brand new house and this brand new truck wouldn't even be possible!! Sure my husband has always paid cash for things, but in a world so dependent on credit- I've won out on that one. In fact, last night after we got home, I called my mom to thank her for what she's done and to tell her I can now see what her sacrifices have done for me.

3) In the consideration of this new vehicle, I actually was thinking about how we would finagle a car seat! Scary to think that this will be a reality for us in the future and we have to take that into consideration in this decision. Lately all the decisions I've considered have been surrounded by when we will start a family.

4) Are we stretched too thin? I have to admit... I really don't know nor am I truly stressed about it. I leave that to him. My mind always thinks "oh we've got it," but do we? On one hand it's nice to not worry about these things and I guess I don't only because I know he will. Is that wrong?

5) Lastly, I work hard and I enjoy what I do and bringing back to the title of this blog post... I too one day will see the Fruits of My Labor!

I want to be able to take care of my grandmother and parents in their old age the way they have taken care of me. I am thankful for a husband who is VERY understanding of that. I want to be able to provide for my children the way my parents have done for me and I hope that my husband now sees the advantage in that.

Today as I sit here and think about my life, I am happy and very lucky!!

Your Everything

2010-07-11T17:16:00.003-05:00

As I am sitting here, alone, in our new house and working away... the music in the background plays Michael Buble's song "Everything" and I just smile.

This same song played once when I was working out at the gym and I cried as I day dreamed about how the wedding would play out. Now about a month later, I still smile because it (the wedding) was just a perfect day.

I smile thinking about how lucky I feel to have married such a wonderful and giving person. This song takes me back to Buble's concert years ago as he played this song and I sang at the tops of my lungs and thinking to myself- this song will be played at my wedding. I don't know if it was or not, but I know everytime I hear it I get teary eyed and happy.

Thankful for my blessings!!!

We Flyin' the First Class...

2010-07-01T11:47:00.005-05:00

As Fergie's "Glamourous" song goes:

We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change...

But oh how I feel I have been changed!!!

I just returned from a work trip to Chicago. My instructor I hire out of there upgraded my flight to first class and took me to test drive BMW's. These two small events in the past two days of my life has opened my eyes to bigger and better goals for my life and my career. I truly feel that I've hit this turning point in my life and I am setting goals for myself that I've got to start working towards!!!

First off, my husband and I have been married for almost a month. It's flown by and every day has been so nice. I get these spontaneous, short and sweet messages from him almost daily wishing that I have a good day and that he loves me. It's such a small thing yet gives me the best feeling inside and I feel so lucky.

We've spent the month writing our "thank yous" from the wedding and yet I still feel truly blessed by all the gifts and love from our friends and family. Not sure if I've mentioned that or not... but I've truly been so lucky.

Anyway, back to the past two days...

I didn't think flying first class was THAT big of a difference, but OH it so is.
You have more leg room, you have bigger seats. You get served a drink as soon as you walk on. The flight attendant comes up and talks to you and even addresses you by name. Last night for the dinner... I had a caesar salad, steak, macaroni, green beans and a freshly baked cookie! Not to mention the wine and free drinks- which I didn't take advantage of since me and drinking doesn't mix with planes :) and the fact that I actually ate is a big deal since normally the thought of airplane food makes me queasy.

The other thing I did was test drive BMW's. I've always had this need for speed and this "race car diver" mentality in my driving style, but I've never actually done it. Test driving the M5 and the M3 BMW models gave me this thrill that I've NEVER experienced before. It sent my heart racing and it embedded this new guilty pleasure. Not to mention the cars are freakin' hot!!! Although I could NEVER convince Furry that I would ever need a $100K+ vehicle... I want to strive to have a lifestyle that would at least give me the option if I chose- which in this case; I will choose :) I seriously would put off having children for another 10 years if it would mean I could drive around in a vehicle like that.

But the main thing about being in Chicago these past days that have really hit a nerve with me... is that I'm actually making a difference. That I am really shaping my career and have limitless options if I want it bad enough. That other people can recognize how hard I work and validate that for me. Sure my husband always tells me that, but he's biased- right?! I can be successful and I can make money and I can fly first class and drive a BMW if I work at it. Just how bad do I want that lifestyle? I can be successful and have those things if I truly want it; I need to work harder and strive to be better. To continue on the path I am and aspire to have it. It can be done...it will be done!

Mr. And Mrs.

2010-06-21T10:00:00.003-05:00

After two weeks, I'm still trying to get used to this status change. What happens now? What does it all mean? What are the underlying things that are happening whether you realize it or not? What do you say when people ask, "So what's it like being married?"

Well for starters and the most visible, I am going to eventually have to legally change my name. A step that I'm struggling with because in my mind that's HIS name not the one that I've had for 28 years now. It's like a new beginning and I feel like I'm losing a part of me by dropping my birth given last name. Hyphenating is not an option and yeah it can be my middle name, but who really asks for that?! Not to mention the pain in the but to change every single account to reflect it.

But, the more underlying change and that's what I believe I and my family are going through. It's the loss of me not because they aren't happy that I'm now married or that they aren't happy with my choice in husband, but to a change in the way things have been up until this point. I went from always having lived with my brother to moving out and from going home for weekend visits alone to visiting with my husband for a few hours. Sure I can still go home for the weekend, but it's different when you are leaving your husband behind. And I feel bad when we're there for long periods of time because although he's wonderful and patient, it's not the same.

Lastly, and this is the biggest of the change... it's the no longer mine and yours, but OURS. How do I adjust to not being selfish? How do I come to think of us as one instead of two? he seems to be transitioning to that fairly easily. Will it just happen and I won't realize it? This is probably the biggest of the change since we've become Mr. and Mrs. that I'm having to internally deal with and I'm not certain that I've been handling it too well.

Customer Service

2010-06-13T23:15:00.005-05:00

People just don't realize how important customer service is. It truly can make all the difference in how a situation plays out. I am pretty good at recognizing good service when I have it and often I can over look bad service, however, this one instance I could not!!! See below for the email I sent to a local manager after having such a frustrating experience:

Mr. ****** (protecting identity, here)
I felt compelled to email you to share with you my recent experience regarding the home delivery and to strongly encourage you if you have the authority to strongly re-evaluate the third party service you are currently using for your home deliveries with *****.

I came into the store to purchase a 50" tv for my now husband. The salesman signed me up for delivery on Tuesday, June 8. Since the TV was intended for a birthday present, I wanted it delivered to the house and set up following both our wedding and his birthday.

At any rate, on Tuesday morning, I called ***** to find out info on the delivery since it was odd that I hadn't received any phone call confirmation the day before about time etc. The customer rep told me between 4:30 pm and 6:30 pm. I made sure I made it back to town in order to be home. At 7pm still no delivery. I called the rep and was told she would have the driver call me. At 8 pm, still no phone call from driver or customer service. I then called back again and spoke to the manager. He said the driver couldn't find our address and just returned to the warehouse with no phone call to notify me. At this point I was unable to get any cooperation on their end regarding the next earliest delivery... instead I get a message from him that my delivery was scheduled for the coming Saturday and on top of that they could make no guarantees on the timing, etc.

I called your store on Wednesday morning and talked to 2 separate managers, both made attempts to call **** and were unable to help as far as getting the TV delivered any sooner. I then proceeded that afternoon to call the national customer service to see if they could help, but also to express my displeasure with how the situation was being handled and how I could return the TV and purchase it elsewhere. Again, I wasn't too pleased with the options I had because I wasn't technically in possession of the product therefore I couldn't send it back.

I finally decided, I would just wait until Saturday for the delivery which is about 2 weeks after my initial purchase. On Friday, I did receive a phone call confirming a delivery time of 10:30 am to 12:30 pm. Having just been married and getting back in town from traveling for work, I had a long "to do" list for this weekend which was compounded due to the fact that I was sitting around my house pretty much all day waiting for this delivery which I did not receive until almost 4pm! At 1pm following the assigned time frame; I called **** and was told they would try to contact the driver. No return call. I then proceeded to call your store by about 2 pm and spoke with Mike who called as well. He unfortunately was not in a position to help either since the rep couldn't even get a hold of the drivers. Shortly after I did receive a call that the delivery guys were running late- and that it would be another 45 min to an hour. However I still wasted a good 4 hrs on the weekend sitting around waiting.

When they arrived, I must say I wasn't exactly pleased with how my TV was handled and assembled however after this whole ordeal with just getting it to my house- I was not going to fuss regarding that. My only hope is that there isn't any damage that will occur later as a result of this.

I have always had good experiences in the store with my purchases and WILL NOT EVER use delivery again and more than likely WILL NOT make big appliance and electronic purchases as a result of this experience nor will I recommend anyone to!! I have never been one to make a complaint, but in this instance I feel I was really inconvenienced as a consumer. If it were not such a hassle, I would indeed return the product and purchase it from somewhere else.

I would strongly encourage a tightening up of your controls on this third party service if your store will continue to use them and some sort of customer controls and communications in order to avoid wasting of your customers' time. I didn't feel that they were unfriendly, but just not very good at communicating the the customer what was going on. I hope you can use this opportunity to fix the wrongs and possibly prevent another customer from experiencing the same frustrations. I believe you had several this weekend impacted by this. I know the volume of business *** does in the community will not be affected by this one instance and of course by my one purchase, but as stated when I started, I felt very much compelled to notify you in hopes something will change.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks for letting me get if off my chest!!!

UPDATE: I've received 4 phone calls this morning from the local and national company requesting feedback. I have since gone back and removed the specific names of the company since they are making an effort to learn from this situation.

You May Now Kiss the Bride

2010-06-10T10:41:00.003-05:00

What a whirlwind it's been!!!! I am so grateful and blessed for how loved I am and the trouble everyone went through to be with us on our BIG day and to make it special. I am so happy to begin my life with such a wonderful man. I feel so lucky right now.

Everything came together and the things that didn't- I don't think anyone noticed. In the times I was frustrated and upset, he was there to calm me down. In the times I worried about the fact that it was storming and raining, he was there to tell me to think positive. In not being able to see him; I found myself peeking and wanting to know what he was doing and what he was thinking.

Come Thursday... the rehearsal was very nice and well put together. And coming into it I had my concerns, but all went well and everyone had a good time. My in laws worked so hard and I'm sure I caused some stress on them to try to make it nice. My regret on that night- I didn't get enough taco dip, my fav!!! I loved seeing the kids run around and play and it meant so much to have the people closest to us in our lives share what we've meant to them. I have REALLY true friends and I am always grateful for that.

Friday morning I woke up SUPER early to cloudiness and lots of rain. I was a little disappointed but I really didn't feel a sense of doom over it. I was relatively calm and collected all day. It was so fun to do get all done up and to just have the day with my girlfriends. It wasn't until I actually put on my dress and got in the limo that I felt nervous-ness in my stomach.

I felt stunning! Between the hair, the make up, and the dress... I felt amazing. I was happy. I think back on that day and I smile because it was perfect- for me. The service was beautiful and when Father Andrew talked about how we complement each other and how opposite we are- the ppl there who know us as a couple understood. I felt so loved at that moment and completely at ease throughout the whole thing. My bridesmaids were all gorgeous and flower girl and ring bearer were too cute for words. They lived up to the task and performed the way they were supposed to. I teared up walking up that aisle esp after seeing some of the most important women in my life with glassy eyes but thankfully didn't boo hoo. The funniest was how my now husband greeted me half way up the aisle. I guess he was ready!!!

Following the service- I was ready. Ready to celebrate.

The reception was nice although I don't remember the details of it nor did I even notice. I regret not saying hello to ALL the guests, but I was determined to have fun. And we did. I am so loved and so blessed and have been overwhelmed with the well wishes and congratulations from people, facebook connections, text messages, and everyone I've come across in the past few days.

I wish I could bottle up this feeling and keep it forever and in the times ahead when we as a couple are challenged, I hope I can remember the moment. The moment that all the year and a half planning has led up to and now... I am so glad it's all over!!!

4 Days and Counting....

2010-06-01T01:46:00.002-05:00

Today was bittersweet...
We finally got the last of the things out the Caddo House. I was sad to close the door that last time and at the same time, the realization hit me that it's all coming together in just 4 days. In 4 days, I will be getting married...combining my life with his and until now it didn't hit me that THIS IS IT!

In the Caddo house it was new and exciting to be "officially" living together. But now, we own a house together- one that won't be paid off for 30yrs I might add.
At Caddo we had friends around the corner and a constant coming and goings of visitors dropping in. Here we have to have a planned get together.

All these changes aren't bad, but it's me realizing how a year and a half are boiling down to these last 4 days before I start another chapter of my life. I'm scared, but at the same time comforted that I'm with someone who adores me so much and with time I hope we can enjoy the "honeymoon" phase, move past the "disillusionment" phase (quickly at that), and achieve pure joy for in just 4 days- I choose this marriage. I choose this life. I choose this man to be my husband.

Taking the High Road

2010-05-25T13:57:00.003-05:00

What does that even mean?

High road refers to a higher moral ground. "Taking the high road" expression refers to one being a "class act" during a very difficult time. Those who take the high road, are demonstrating being honest, fair, and selfless while not being completely defenseless.

In most cases I'd like to think I do this. This week, I truly have not. I have a few defining moments in my life when I know I was clearly wrong. I can explain it however much I want, and seek the advice of those who will give me the validation, but deep down, I know I did the wrong thing and made the wrong choice.

Such is the case when I've purposely talked bad about an acquaintance and such is the case when I purposely omit someone from something. The last time this happened, I felt justified, but continue to haunted by those words and actions ever since. I never apologized for what I had done to this person and I'm sorry for that everyday. I judged someone without knowing what other circumstances caused that person to be that way or what else may have been going on in that person's life.

So now, as I am coming close to this wedding. I have yet again demonstrated a horrible lapse in judgment. I excluded someone from my wedding because frankly this person does not care for me yet I included everyone around them. I should've been the better person and included them regardless of how I thought they felt and honestly, who do I think I am?! Will this situation haunt me the way the last one did or am I just worried what everyone else will think? I've showed my true colors and I'd like to think it's unlike me to be so spiteful. We will see...I'll have to work out a penance to clear my conscience.

The Sack Lunches

2010-05-19T11:08:00.003-05:00

This was too good not to post and share...really makes all my personal stresses insignificant.

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation.

'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time...

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base.'

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class.

'This is your thanks..'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base.
I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base.. It will be about time for a sandwich.
God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers.

As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

Three Weeks

2010-05-14T22:53:00.004-05:00

Three weeks from today, we will be winding down our wedding night. And as I sit here in a hotel room in Lake Charles, I am going on and on and on with lists of "to dos" and all the things we need to take care of and trying to figure out just how I'm going to get it done while HE'S sleeping and wrapping up a completely unproductive and worthless day.

See...yesterday, I woke up in Washington, D.C. spent the afternoon flying home then driving from New Orleans to Lake Charles to attend my future sister in law's nursing school pinning ceremony. We made it just in time amidst ALL the things still to be done in trying to wrap up one home and get settled in our new one. However, certainly the occassion called for some celebration, but in typical fashion- it caused an aftermath of tension and resurfaces the underlying issues we've conveniently avoided.

Prior to leaving for D.C. we went over our "focus test" with another couple assigned to us by the church. After 2 1/2 hours, the two topics that came up for further discussion was family and finances. Upon leaving the church I had a few unresolved things I wanted to talk about but after a long weekend of moving and still having to prepare for my trip- I let it go. Sensing a pattern? I spent the week busy with work related functions and didn't have much time to think. Getting back it's been even more hectic, but today, after last night, I've had lots of time to contemplate just what I'm really looking at and what's built up and what is it that I'm getting into in just 3 short weeks...

1) Today he realizes just how out of control he got last night and has been moping around like a lost puppy dog- esp since he had to be picked up by his mother in the middle of the night and doesn't have any recollection of the incident.

Comments: Yeah you've had a stressful week with work- big deal! who doesn't have work related issues they have to deal with. Maybe if you actually talked about it, you wouldn't have it all built up. And if you hate it that much, do something about it. Secondly, you are well aware that you can't control just how much you drink and yet you think you still can every time. I keep waiting for the day that I'm wrong about this...But no, you don't think you have a problem. Third, I refuse to feel sorry for you just because you spend the day feeling queesy and down on yourself because you messed up. Something here has got to give.

2) I am utterly and completely overwhelmed between moving, the new house, and the wedding. I have completely slacked with my job and I'm sad to be losing someone who has been so great as an assistant and I'm utterly disgusted that I haven't been able to juggle everything! Just a few weeks ago I am pointing out how much select co-workers were not doing their jobs and now I'm doing the same thing. I've neglected requests and not on purpose, but because I get them and in that same instant I'm forgetting them because I have so much going on in my mind. I HATE that I can't do it all.

Comments: If I had more help with the house and with the wedding, maybe I wouldn't be such a slacker with my career. Maybe I could juggle it. It's not that people haven't offered to help me, but I am not organized enough to delegate anything and the person I NEED to be able to count on; I can't. This past week I had to give a presentation at national to my peers and I didn't even prepare for it because I had all the stuff going with the move, the new house and wedding stuff. I couldn't even count on him to get information on garbage service options, but at least he was able to make it to the LSU baseball game as I unpacked and tried to get things settled!

3) With the mounting stress, it would be nice to spend a few days completely away. To have our big wedding day and just escape to enjoy each other and be relieved that it will all be over.

Comments: Not gonna happen, folks! My boss offered to get us a few nights stay in Point Clear and he doesn't have any interest to go or is he willing to take the work time off to go. So it's back to business as usual. Friday wedding, Saturday family, Sunday thai ceremony, Monday- back to work (at least for him.) And it sucks, but this will be the reality for the rest of my life. Work, work, work-no time for vacation... even if it's a job you hate. Forget the life experience and the memories you create and actually allowing yourself to enjoy life.

I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. I want to scream, I want to cry. I should be looking forward to this wedding celebration and this marriage, but I'm scared and I just want to run away. I know he adores me and he's sweet and romantic when I least expect it, but I don't think that's always enough to get you through life. Will this all go away when the wedding is over?! Am I just freakin out because this is it? Am I making too big of an issue out of these things? What issues does he have with me?

A Dose of Reality

2010-05-08T00:20:00.004-05:00

When we moved into the Caddo house a year ago, I really didn't have a lot of things to put in it. Every piece seemed borrowed and patched from here and there.

As I'm moving out and getting things together, I realize that I've accumulated so much stuff. I am throwing away a lot of stuff that as I pitch them I've thought "Why the heck did I freakin' keep this?!" Just to put it into perspective... I managed to fill a 21 quart rubber storage container with just bathroom and beauty products. One huge box was filled with tupperware and plastics. And let's not even get on the subject of the clothes and shoes!!!

I'm tired and I've been packing up our belongings all evening. As I've put things in boxes, I can visualize the day I bought them and how it was going to fit in this house. I have LOVED this house and all the memories that go along with it. It's been such a great year full of changes and good times. I am sad to leave here and feel like our time here has been cut short although I am still excited about having a place that truly will be "our home."

I will miss this house VERY much although not so much the 24/7 barrage of police sirens, fire engines and ambulances. I loved the location, I loved the area, I loved having our friends within a few mile radius and most of all I think I will miss the short work commute. I am sad to think that all will change with our move out of the city. And a part of me is truly selfish in that I've started a mission to convince friends to consider moving to the same cul de sac :)

I hope that we won't be moving again for a while because I absolutely hate it. I realized just how much clutter I've built up and need a good cleansing. I don't want to bring it all over to the new place and I am going to try to be better "organized." HA!!!!

Another thing I'm wondering is where all this will go in the new house. I feel like so much of it has fit so perfectly in our 2bd 1 ba place and now we are starting over. I can't even really believe this is all happening at the same time. I am running through the motions and experiencing a spectrum of emotions, so when will this dose of reality set in??

Time Flies When Your Having Fun

2010-05-04T10:32:00.002-05:00

NOT!!!

It's 1 month until the wedding.
There's so much left to do and no one can really help me do it.

Everyone is depending on me to do something and I just don't have enough time in the day to get it done and for what?! One day and this entire year of planning.

I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm stressed.

I don't know whether to just scream or cry.

I can't keep a thing remembered in my head and I've neglected so many other things. I feel like when I ask for help, I just don't get it and sure everyone offers, but no one can really help. Will it be worth it in the end?

First Time Homebuyer

2010-05-04T10:20:00.003-05:00

It's official. We closed on our house Friday afternoon!

After signing my name to a gazillion papers, we got the keys and we now own our very first home. It's been such a nerve wracking month as I await the loan approval process.

I am excited, yet completely freaked out. When you see that the last payment will be in 2040 and when it's all said in done, you actually pay more in interest than what the house is even worth- it's almost unfathomable!! 2040, really, I'll be almost 60 years old then. Josh keeps saying this is just a "5 year house," but what if it's not?! What if in 5 years we can't afford to "upgrade." Do I love this house that much that I can be there beyond 5 years??

Then yesterday after I get back in town, we go over there. It's then that he mentions one thing after the next criticizing the neighborhood, the builder and craftsmanship, the water in the back (which was a feature I thought he would enjoy) and I'm thinking to myself... Where were all these reservations beforehand?! Why wasn't anything said before then or were they and I overlooked it?!

I was comfortable with the whole process, until now! Now I'm thinking "OMG What have we done!" How easily it's been for me to be really excited and now I'm absolutely terrified and second guessing that I've jumped the gun. It's too late now, though.

Not to mention the responsibility of everything is falling on me. The appliances, the furniture, moving, utilities, property tax, insurance and the list goes on. I'm seriously not going to be very pleasant and know I've already begun to get really aggravated.

Growing Up

2010-04-23T10:32:00.003-05:00

So between all this wedding stuff we are in contract for a house that at first glance, we brushed off. I liked certain features of it, but completely dismissed it and now we're VERY close to it being ours.

Does it have the 4 bedrooms I thought I had to have? No.
Does it have the wood floors I thought I couldn't be without? No.
But does it have a large spacious kitchen and living room...Yes.
Does it have a large walk in closet? YES!!! and then some. I am very much looking forward to filling it up with clothes. That is, as soon as I can buy them again.

We have a walk through scheduled for this Monday and then we close at the end of the week. (crossing fingers!) I feel I've really stepped into a HUGE thing and there's no turning back now. I'm excited about beginning this new part of my life with someone who is so wonderful at making sure I am happy. Often times I use this platform to vent about the bad things, that I don't ever mention the good things.

This weekend we're venturing to purchase appliances and maybe furniture which surely will be interesting! The next couple of weeks will be torturous as I have work things going on, losing my assistant and on top of finalizing wedding and having to move and get settled in a new house. I'm excited and at the same time anticipating a nervous breakdown or several breakdowns between now and then.

Wedding Woes Part Deux

2010-03-31T14:28:00.005-05:00

Nothing about this whole process has been easy!

Every decision I make doesn't please someone and in trying to please others, I have made decisions I am not overly pleased with.

I tried to be "laid back" but in doing so, it's been more of a headache for me. And it isn't even really worth it?!

I am consumed by decisions and consumed by time (or lack of it) to really get anything done. I am so unorganized in this whole thing that it absolutely drives me nuts because I don't operate like that.

My mother and my bridesmaids (well some of them) put a lot of effort into throwing me a shower. And it was a great event and I felt so blessed to have people love me and support me and shower me with all these wonderful things, however, I found out during and after that some ppl weren't even willing to help. Then of course I feel bad that I was such an inconvenience.

I'm still not confident about the date I've chosen for the bachelorette weekend and am questioning whether or not I should even do it.

I have also tried to be objective about this one thing, but clearly my idea is not the same as someone else's. But I don't want to rock the boat by voicing my opinion nor do I want to get into any hurt feelings.

I am nervous about the whole thing and if it'll come together. How is it that I plan things for a living and just cannot do this one thing? Too many decisions. Too many guests. Too man people to please- I don't know if I can take it.

What It's Like on the Other Side

2010-03-31T14:13:00.004-05:00

Working for the state REALTORS association I am in contact daily with agents who help their clients and sometimes they talk about how they feel when they can help a family invest in a home and get into a dream home. They always talk about the warm and fuzzy feeling and until this week, I just didn't "get it" at least not like that.

This past Sunday, we set out to view houses. Nothing serious, but we wanted to start looking. It's easy to browse the photos in the MLS and pick out what you think you like but, it wasn't until I was on the other side of that transaction that I realized the emotional roller coaster they call the "home buying process."

We must have look at a dozen different houses in a dozen different neighborhoods. Each one realizing more and more what we want and don't want. Of course my wants are different from his wants, but all in all we valued the same things.

We are making an investment so that when we "upgrade" later we can actually make some money off of what is our "first home."

After the long day, driving around with our REALTORS we agreed that the new construction was more appealing and at the last stop, WE FELL and WE FELL- HARD!!
This house is brand new, corner lot, across from a serene pond. Four bedrooms (1 as an home office), HUGE master closet (deal closer for me), and enough room for us to make a home and start a family. All of the sudden the warm and fuzzies kicked in and I could see us there. I envisioned our furniture in each place...I imagined the layout. I saw us in that home. POOOOOOF!! Let's pop that cloud now because two days later that home I so envisioned us in, now belongs to another couple. I don't know them, but find myself wishing ill things for them so that we can have that house.

I tried to think positive, but in the back of my mind I knew the possibility was there that we hadn't secured the house. It was such a let down and although I know that means something is better out there; I just can't seem to get beyond the disappointment and let down. So for now, I get this whole emotional process and one day I hope I can look back with no regrets. Until then... patience truly is a virtue, but I suck at it!

Under Pressure

2010-03-22T21:39:00.005-05:00

I haven't found the time to blog lately although it's crossed my mind plenty of times. I've had plenty of thoughts but in reality I have not had the time to jot them down and record them. I am sooooo immensely overwhelmed between work and wedding and things I have to do to keep up this house and myself and my relationships.

Under pressure is what comes to mind and unfortunately it's suffocating me!! I am highly stressed, extremely irritable and frankly I don't think I have it under control. I feel so buried in responsibilities and I'm worn out mentally and physically.

I am tired of the same old work dilemmas and no real change. I am tired of having to cover for others who aren't doing their job and I am trying to put myself in their place and imagine the pressures they have at home, but it doesn't make the fact that I have more on my plate any easier.

I wish I could be more like my mother... she works so hard and picks up people's slack and yet she hardly complains; she just does it. I am to the point where I'm not sure I can take it anymore and everyday I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I feel so stretched thin with so many "to dos" and I'm so unorganized that I can't even get others to help me do them not that anyone else has the time either. There are absolutely no weekends left that will truly be rest after a work week and yet the work weeks are jammed pack with commitment after commitment, meeting after meeting. Am I over committing? Why isn't there enough time in the day? Why do I not have enough energy. I'm so worn out and exhausted all the time. I just want to scream, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Can I just not be me for the rest of this year?

Gives me Hope

2010-03-03T17:08:00.003-06:00

** started this post a while ago....

For a while now I've been following Gives me Hope, some days the posts are nothing special, but some days they make me tear up. Nonetheless, it always makes me feel thankful for what I do have because I have NEVER known what it's like to truly suffer and go without.

This particular one really struck me:
A few months ago, my dad and I were visiting New York.

We saw a homeless mother with 3 young kids sitting by a doorway of a store. While the children were bundled up warm, the mother had only a thin flimsy jacket. Seeing this, my dad handed her a $100 bill, telling her to buy herself a coat. She cried from happiness.

My dad's generosity GMH.

I always want to give to people that are in a needy position. I always feel sorry for the person on the side of the road or under the overpass and I try to give what change I have, but lately, I haven't and only because my fiance is adamantly against it. I always talk about how I want to give time and volunteer yet so much of my life is consumed with me and my needs and my things. I've got to change... I've got to give back!

There's No Place Like Home

2010-02-18T13:24:00.003-06:00

....Especially when you are trying to get back from Kansas!

Last week, I traveled to Wichita, KS to attend a 3 day education directors summit. The amount of information was amazing, the networking opportunities great, the trip coming home NOT SO GREAT.

I traveled there to find that the weather was actually pleasant and not as brutal considering all the weather they got here at home. Was it because the Saints won the Super Bowl? The entire eastern region of the country got bombarded with blizzards and snow and while we were in Kansas it was beautiful.

I enjoyed being able to meet all the people around the country who do the same thing I do. I enjoyed sharing the same gripes and complaints- proving that REALTORS everywhere are very much alike. I enjoyed the exchanging of ideas and as each presenter talked my mind was running with ideas on what to do and how to do it. As much as this job can really burn me out, I still appreciate the challenges that lay before me and feel "less alone" doing it. What didn't I like?

Well this event offered up a speakers showcase where various speakers from around the country come and make 10 minute presentations. In theory, this is a great concept so we can see speakers in action, however, when I was actually there I felt like I was thrown to a pack of wolves. My thought is that I would prefer if I need someone to seek them out. I don't like them all coming at me with a constant sales pitch. And honestly, the ones that are good- don't need to. Then I return home to find my Inbox inundated with email after email with "nice to meet you last week in Wichita" or "hope you had a good time in Wichita" and from people I knew i didn't interact with.

The other thing I didn't like was trying to get home. I had never wanted to get home so badly and after this trip all I could think about was how horrible feeling so helpless was and that I never wanted to fly again. There I was in an airport-delayed and there was nothing I could do, but wait. I wanted so badly to just get home.

Nonetheless this week, I am back home and I'm catching up and trying to remember all the ideas that were flowing while I'm bombarded with things I need to be doing and trying to get motivated to do them.

Communication Breakdown

2010-02-18T13:07:00.003-06:00

So all of the mess that went down with my future sisters in law has calmed (at least on the surface.) Am I still upset over what happened and how it happened? well...Yes. Am I going to ever bring it up again? NO, at least not intentionally. However, I still feel completely disrespected and even after an apology which I accepted I still wish it had never happened at all.

I know what a manipulative person can to do a family and I'm incredibly sad that the girls even felt that I was the type of person capable of doing that. For I have tried to be nice to them, help them, talk with them, and share with them certain aspects of our life and I realize now that in all that time the things I did were taken the wrong way and instead of addressing those issues it was easier to place the blame on me and pretend that nothing was even wrong. As a result,there was so much anger and hatred. And my fiance still denies the fact that the family is "secretive."

A lot of the issues were minor and I hope in my explanations they could see where I was coming from and that my apologies were sincere. Unfortunately this incident has forever changed how I choose to interact with them as we move forward into a life joined together with this marriage just so I can do my part to prevent the same thing from occurring again.

Blood is Thicker Than Water

2010-02-15T13:19:00.004-06:00

This phrase is often used and understood in today's terms to symbolize the bonds of the family (blood) being stronger than any friendship or relationship not born from family lines. For today, this statement is resonating so strongly in my life as I reflect on the events of last night and look forward to the future with this new family. There's no denying that the paths in which we were raised are complete opposites, but up until recently it really hasn't been an issue. No need to recount what happened for I know this has forever impacted the relationship!!

Last night my fiance's sister spoke to me in such an appalling way and I was treated like the scum of the earth as she cursed me repeatedly with the f-word and called me a liar and a manipulator. NEVER in my life has anyone had so much anger and resentment toward me as she spewed those words and honestly, I don't know what I could have done to even deserve to be spoken to in that way?! I am NOT the type of person to treat people in such a way that would warrant that type of response, but apparently I have done something. Do I need an apology? No. It's too late for that now, but what I'm most sorry about it is that it EVEN HAD TO HAPPEN. It hurt and still hurts badly.

So upon further thought as I write this I came across debates that the original meaning of this phrase has been lost in translation. See below for what I mean:

This phrase has completely lost its original, covenant-related, meaning. Today, it is interpreted as meaning that blood-related family members are to be considered as more important than anyone else. However, the original meaning is, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb," or, "My relationship with those to whom I am joined in covenant is to be considered of more value than the relationship with a brother with whom I may have shared the womb."

My fiance is in the hardest position to decide between his love for me and his love for his sisters. Clearly we are divided on something (which hasn't been defined), but where will he stand? I don't expect him to choose between either of us, because it's not about sides, but I do EXPECT RESPECT. I will NOT ever put myself in a situation to be spoken to in that way EVER AGAIN for as long as this new family will become mine. I stand by my love for him and our love for each other and hope that will prevail and hopeful that whatever it is that is bothering them can be resolved easily because I can't have a lifetime of this. I don't deserve it and I won't tolerate it. I know I am a good person and think this whole situation is the result of assumptions on both parties... we're supposed to "air it all out" later so we shall see.

Same Old Broken Record

2010-02-08T22:07:00.001-06:00

First off, the New Orleans Saints beat the Colts last night to win the Super Bowl. Louisiana as a whole has had such the spirit of optimism and hope. This team has given people a common reason to unite and come together for one common cause- to prove to the rest of the country that "our boys" deserve respect and I hope this win will finally achieve that! Watching them play their hearts out and watching the excitement and the tears of joy will definitely be a defining moment in our lives.

However, in the shadows of all that- I am reminded that not everything can be picture perfect. For during all the excitement, my fiance still managed to morph into the one thing I despise the most... The part of him that gets lost with alcohol. I'm sad today and somewhat frustrated and questioning: can I live my life this way? I hate how mean he gets and how he gives me this look like I am the one being ridiculous. Yes, the Saints won the Super Bowl, but does that give you a free pass to be a jerk?!

And on the eve before a week long work trip all these crazy thoughts run through my head about what he'll do this week and the HUGE underlying theme is when will I be able to just trust him completely?! Sure after the last "incident" he seemed sorry, but that was temporary and really have there been any efforts to change?? Sadly, the answer is: not enough. Not enough for me to completely trust or feel at ease and now with 4 months till the wedding I am overwhelmed with insecurity and doubt. Pretty tough situation now. Isn't it????

Slowly, But Surely

2010-02-01T20:50:00.006-06:00

I'm finally making some headway with my closet situation. Check out the before/after. Will I ever have the closet space I dream of?? How can one have this much stuff and still feel like she has nothing!

BEFORE

AFTER

Sometimes It's Just Unfortunate

2010-02-01T20:41:00.004-06:00

So for months now I've talked about waiting for people to get what they deserve. And today I realize that you've got to be in charge of your own destiny and your own outcomes and not expect someone else to do it for you.

It's quite unfortunate when you can see people as so negative and so unhappy and all they really need is a little push. It's unfortunate when the "advice" offered is completely ignored and they revert to the same sad, pathetic habits. It's sad when they are so blind and continue to want more and more.

It's all around me I see it with people in passing, I see it in the community, that's the thing- I SEE IT and maybe, just maybe I shouldn't care so much. That if one can be passionate about what they do, maybe they wouldn't be so freakin' miserable all the time.

I feel sorry for people like this and hope they can find their way for I know within myself I tend to forget and I lose my way and I let the negative things get to me, but I ALWAYS make it back and it's a lot of work!!

Crush It!

2010-01-27T11:04:00.005-06:00

Last week after some reluctance I went to see Gary Vaynerchuk speak. A local group brought him in and I decided to brave it alone and go see him. Turned out to be a really good thing for me to experience and forced me to step out of my comfort zone, just a little. His energy was so passionate, his ideas so forward thinking, his happiness so moving.

I got to thinking A LOT about where I am and what I'm really doing with my life?!

This close to such a life changing thing (getting married) and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I want this, that and EVERYTHING in between. My mind is searching for something else, something better, something different, something "happier." I'm envious of others who are doing what they are passionate about while I flounder around trying to figure out what it is that I'm "good" at and "passionate" about.

A few years ago when I turned 25 I went out and bought all these books on "the quarter-life crisis" and it never happened. Could I be going through all of that now? I mean I thought I was happy with how everything is, but lately I am questioning everything?!

I find myself wavering between really enjoying what I do when I help people to really hating it because of the politics and B.S. I want to move out of Baton Rouge and I feel like I'm getting tired of the people here and sometimes I feel like some people are so pretentious and snooty. But where would we go?? What would I do?

I got Gary's book "Crush It!" after the event and it's supposed to be no fluff, straight up this is the way it is. So we'll see...we all know I'm good at reading books and doing nothing with it?! Maybe I'll have to go and pull out my Quarter life crisis books.

Long Overdue: 2010 Resolutions

2010-01-08T16:20:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about this since before the new year, but haven't had the time to actually record them so I can go back at the end of the year and see if I've actually accomplished them... So here goes, 2010 New Year Resolutions.

1) be less selfish, more giving- volunteering!!
2) be less critical of others and more of myself
3) work toward a healthier lifestyle w/ regular exercise and better food choices
4) get myself in gear to go back to school- study & take the GRE
5) talk less, DO MORE
6) SPEND LESS, SAVE MORE- Lord, do I need the help on this one!!
7) find the positive in ppl instead of focusing on the negative
8) control my emotions and have MORE PATIENCE
9) love my husband, family, and friends
10)be grateful for the blessings I do have instead of focused on what I don't have

A lot of things in store for 2010!!

Feeling Loved!

2009-12-28T10:32:00.004-06:00

Last year for my birthday my fiance threw me a huge party and proposed.
This year for my birthday my friends all came together for a birthday dinner.

We decided to do something different, something nice. And I was very pleased with how many people wanted to come and share in this day with me. We met at the Roosevelt hotel and ate at Sazerac. Everything was really nice although may be jaded because my experience was after the bottle of champagne I polished on the way to NOLA so I was feelin good before we even started the evening.

I hope my friends all enjoyed getting together even though it was difficult to visit with anyone not sitting by you. I feel so loved and so blessed that my friends were there and made it such an enjoyable evening and made my birthday so special. Esp during the holiday time when money is tight, babies are here and on the way, and everyone shouldn't be wasting money on a fancy dinner, they did and they did to be with me. I am lucky to have people that care about me and love me that much!

On the drive back yesterday, it made me feel bad thinking back to how I haven't made my fiance's birthday special for him because in fact I've been away the past 2 years. I feel like because my birthday is the day after christmas that I have been short changed, when in actuality I never have. I always get attention...he's the one who has been short changed. So this next birthday I'm taking a break from a big celebration for me and save it up for my 30th!!

Mr. Quote Strikes Again

2009-12-22T10:39:00.002-06:00

"There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions
as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."

It's Christmas Time!

2009-12-16T13:06:00.004-06:00

My friend, Jillien, tagged me to do this fun Christmas thing, so I'm filling in my take.

Have you started your Christmas shopping?

Yes! I have done well this year and contrary to my previous post "Black Friday" I have been buying presents for more ppl than I normally do. I've just seen things that jump out and say to me, "oh this person would love this." Steinmart and Marshall's have been wonderful treasures for great buys and bargains.

Tell me about one of your special traditions.

As a child, my parents over compensated at Christmas to make up for the fact that my brother's and I's birthdays are in Dec. (mine being the day after) But as we've gotten older it's been less and less traditional. Although, with my "new family" I guess Christmas Eve has become a tradition with mass and dinner with now future inlaws and family. I hope the taco dip birthday cake becomes a tradition :)

Are you a Black Friday shopper?

Not only NO, but HELL NO!!! I hate crowds and I hate standing in long lines to checkout. I'd rather pay full price and Black Friday is no longer a "real deal" as referenced by Jillien who braved it and still walked away spending a ton of $.

When do you put up your tree?

We got our first tree as a "couple" the weekend after Thanksgiving. Cheapy $35 one, pre-lit from Wal-Mart and I LOVE it!!! It's decorated with all the ornaments given to us by his grandmother since we've been together. Only 1 ornament on there, I bought which was one with the initial "F" on it and the other is a Cracker Barrel ornament given to me by my friend Cherie and her family as an inside jokes from years of Thanksgivings in Gatlinburg.

Do you travel at Christmas or stay home?

Not too far since I live in Baton Rouge and we drive down to New Orleans where my family still lives... But the holidays do force me and my soon to be hubby to spend time in the car together!!

What is your funniest Christmas memory?

I absolutely can recall a "funniest" memory, but I am sure there is one in store in the future. I probably will enjoy much more when I have my own children and family and start our own traditions.

What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?

I always like to the the movies with the "Ebenezar Scrooge" theme... I've seen them done several ways and I recently saw the original. The story is so touching. My other favs are the Disney ones of "Santa Clause" w/ Tim Allen. I get really emotional during Christmas too and cry VERY often thinking about the holidays and families, etc.

Do you do your own Christmas baking?

I LOVE Christmas baking, even if I accidentally got 15 dozen sugar cookies last year... finally have gotten through all those and looking for more.

Fake or real tree?
Definitely love the smell and look of real, but it's too "high maintenance" so I'll go with fake and pre-lit now. I LOVED the fact that as you "unfolded" each branch, the light was already strung along.

What day (as a mom) does the actual panic set in to get it all done?
I am not a mom, so I guess the panic sets in a few days before if I still haven't found a gift for anyone.

Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
Probably, I'm pretty last minute with everything in my life.

What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

Going with Jillien on that one, OPENING PRESENTS!!! and of course seeing the reactions as people open my gifts to them.

What Christmas craft do you like the best?
Ugh, I never have time to get into a Christmas craft.

Christmas music. Yes or no, and if yes, what is your favorite song?

Yes. I love them all, but don't care to listen to the stations that play them 24/7.
Always enjoy Vince Vance and the Valiants' "All I Want For Christmas is You."

Thank You!! Mr. Quote of the Day

2009-12-10T12:37:00.004-06:00

I don't know how I got on this guy's emailing list, but like many speakers that hassle me for gigs, I get their newsletters,emails,updates, and availability. This one guy has been sending me quotes every day, all of which are inspiring and motivational that I can't seem to unsubscribe.

So the one for today is: "I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside."

There are many ways in which this applies, but this is how I am interpreting this one for this day in my life. This week I've been let's call it "agitated" and not exactly making any secret about it either. But, I'm tired of constantly having to keep up my household and every now and then, I simply just don't want to have to worry about it. I'm not saying that I don't get ANY help whatsoever, but it's the little things. I also know these are issues I eventually have to come to terms with.

I'm okay with my role as the female part of a married couple being responsible for meals and cleaning the bathroom,etc but it really gets to me the constant sweeping and vacuuming and washing on top of the constant reminders of taking out the garbage. The constant responsibility of planning meals and having meals prepared. As a single person, you really don't have to worry about those things as much, but as a future wife, I feel as though all of that rests on my shoulders. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. So it ties perfectly with today's quote...cause I can't always control what happens, but how I feel and react is totally up to me.

Sorry, honey, for being agitated this week!

Back to "the Secret"

2009-12-08T10:13:00.004-06:00

Mind you, I finished reading the book months ago. The same book that was a global phenomenon, but you know the reason why not everyone carries out "the secret?" Because it's so freakin' hard to do!!

I came across this today in my email, "The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better." So true and powerful, but how can someone carryout such a positive attitude all the time??

I say I would like to be this positive person so that these positive things will happen and I tell my friend Cherie that she always needs to think positive, but for me it's a constant and daily struggle and I hear all the time from my fiance "Way to be positive, Amy." I actually stink at it because it's so much easier to go the other route and I get discouraged with it quite easily!

Here's what I'm talking about: I am in contact with a person who is constantly negative. I don't believe they get the things they want because of that negativity. That same negativity breeds paranoia and insecurity and it's a pretty sad way to live because it's everyone else's fault. That person for once was positive about something and completely got their way when they totally didn't deserve to. How do you explain that?

As referred to in previous posts, in this dysfunctional space, I can't make sense of why some things work out the way they do and people get away with what they do, but I remain hopeful that the good will prevail and I am staying positive that one day it'll all make sense to me and if I continue to stay true to how I am and what I do day to day that it will pay off.

Black Friday- Bah Humbug!

2009-11-27T10:00:00.003-06:00

I am a shopper, no secret about it. I am always wanting to buy stuff whether I need it or not. Lately, I must brag that I have been "better" although struggle daily to fight the urges to constantly purchase things sadly not for others, but for myself. Selfish, I know.

One would think that "Black Friday" would appeal to me and the possibility and rush of savings and discounts gets my heart beating faster, but you know what?! It doesn't!!
The whole idea of it makes me agitated. I mean, everyone else out there waiting in lines at crazy early morning hours, pushing, shoving, fighting for that "big deal." When it boils down to it, I'd rather pay full price for something than deal with people and fighting with people to get that deal. Does that make me foolish? Am I stupid to not take advantage of those "savings." I just can't put myself through that to save a few bucks and really and truthfully are the deals that good??

Every holiday is so commercialized!!!! Everything is so that retailers and companies can turn a profit on the consumer. We as a whole have all lost sight of what the season truly means... instead it's a day off from work or school and it means we receive presents.

For example:
Halloween... The cost of costumes that you order are ridiculous and this year as we sat on Furry's uncle's porch watching the swarms of kids come up for candy I noticed 2 things: 1) they didn't say "trick or treat"- heelllllloooooo isn't that the reason you are out there?! 2) and most horrendous of all- they didn't say "thank you." (ungrateful brats!!!) But really?! What happened to that? Are parents not teaching their kids to even say "thank you" anymore?? it's give me, give me, give me.

Thanksgiving... I feel thanksgiving has truly been forgotten. People were concerned with Christmas trees and decorations and Thanksgiving hadn't even passed. Yesterday all ppl focused on was Black Friday and the retailers' discounts. What happened to truly appreciating the good things in your life?! These businesses have taken the holiday and commercialized it as a way to boost sales for Christmas. Where will we all be in the next 10 years if things keep going like this??

BTW- I stole this yesterday because I really liked it: “Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” –Brian Tracy

And finally, Christmas. I feel like such a scrooge this year because I don't care to buy anything for anyone and I really could care less if I received gifts. I am not in the mood to fight the malls and traffic in search for what I believe that person wants this year. I'm also aggravated that we can't even say Christmas anymore...that you need to enjoy "the holidays." I am not at all a religious person, but once again we've forgotten the reason for the season!!! It's not about the time off from work (although much appreciated) and it's not about the presents, it's about enjoying your family time and appreciating the good things in life. It's realizing that there are so many out there who don't have that and who aren't in a good place.

With Change Comes Resistance

2009-11-19T16:24:00.003-06:00

It's inevitable that when one shakes things up, there's bound to be some resistance. Why is it that traditionally, older minded people seem to think that just because something's been done one way forever- that that's the only way to go?!

That the second someone comes in and decides to try a new approach all the sudden it's offensive. I am going through that situation at work and I knew sooner than later that I would make enemies, but not like this. Somethings I said in a meeting earlier this week were completely taken out of context and childish. My only hope is that I truly have the backing of my boss on my stance and that he isn't going to utilize the situation to gain political allies.

I am worried that my goals are not going to line up and it's going to be a constant struggle and battle to do what I know should be done. That in order to really progress and move forward, these changes are necessary. Or what if those changes will be challenged so much that I just want to walk away? Am I ready for that? Is this just the beginning?

Forty Under 40

2009-11-18T11:01:00.003-06:00

The list of this year's nominees was released today and I'm envious of those who made the cut. How did they do it? What do they do that makes them recognized like that?

One of my goals in life, is to receive that recognition and to be a nominee although I'm not sure how to actually get there!!! Guess that's a problem, huh?!

Is there anything I actually do that would be worthy of such an honor?! What should I do to really "step it up" and get noticed?! The one time I was recognized for something (Women in Media Member of the Year) I wasn't even there to receive the award and a lot of times I think back on that and I'm sad because what if I never get recognized for what I do?! Is where I'm at going to create those opportunities for me?

Here's my mental list of other things I would like to accomplish before 40:
1) Earn my Masters in Public Administration from LSU
2) Actively volunteer and become a board member for a local non-profit i.e. Food bank, Big Buddy, United Way?!
3) Become an engaged and active part of Forum 35 or any other organization involved in arts and economic development
4) Vice Chair and Chair of a committee on the national level be it with NAR or whatever organization my career takes me.
5) Volunteer to teach English language to children in Thailand.

Inside I have all these big things I want to be successful at, yet I lack the confidence to actually aspire to achieve these goals. I want to become a better person and be less selfish and more focused on giving back to the community. I want to volunteer my time and help others and be a better, nicer, more giving person. I've got the better part of 12 years to figure that out....

Baton Rouge Adventure Bootcamp

2009-11-12T10:28:00.004-06:00

Has changed me!!!

My friend Marcy approached me about doing this with her. I kind of looked at it like the program that Katie from WIM approached me with and was pretty skeptical about signing up and investing the money without really getting any results, but something said, "you know what?! you should just give it a shot." And it would give me a chance to hang out with Marcy which we don't do often. So I did. And I LOVE IT!!!! Even though it requires me to wake up and get to city park by 5:30 am... I LOVE the trainer. She's so motivating and although the workouts are tough, it doesn't feel as grueling and miserable.

I don't know how the "numbers" will shake out as far as my beginning weight and inches etc, cause can 2 weeks really make that big of a difference?! but it's definitely been a boost in my confidence. I want to do this again closer to the wedding and in the new year!

And We All Fall Down...

2009-10-28T07:15:00.003-05:00

That's about how I feel right about now. 24hrs after the one thing in this world, I thought I could count on delivered a huge blow and disappointment. I have cried all I can cry, but it doesn't take away the hurt I'm feeling from someone who so easily and thoughtlessly tossed away the one core foundation of a relationship- TRUST.

"oh but he adores you" is what I've heard many, many times over as I go through emotions of anger and pain, but this one deliberate attempt of deception is what it is. A lie. And a betrayal of my trust, which would sure enough lead to a life of future lies and similar instances. How can I be married to that? I don't deserve that. I don't deserve having to live my life always wondering if I am being betrayed by the one person who is supposed to love me the most. (next to my parents anyway)I expect better.

What will I tell my family? How can I face them all again? What will it look like to my friends? How embarrassed I am to face people who have been so excited for me and happy about my wedding and now there may not be one. What have I done to deserve to be hurt like this time and time again. When I really think about it, I'm just disgusted. I'm heartbroken and sad. I feel a huge loss at this point and memories of how I was hurt in the same way in the past come flooding back and remind me that this is just the beginning of the end.

When Will Someone Get What They Deserve??

2009-10-20T15:42:00.003-05:00

Seems like I'm always waiting for that...
That someone can work day in and day out with a poor attitude and sh*tty output and manage to get by and probably get paid well to do it.
It's disappointing and discouraging when what you do with a good attitude and good outcomes goes unrecognized and under appreciated.
I feel so bitter and I try not to let it affect me, but damn right it does! I am tired of sitting back and watching the things around me go on and on and on... and no consequences.

I am beginning to really hate the saying, "What Goes Around, Comes Around" because does it really?!

On the same token, I'm really frustrated this week with people's lack of consideration and sense of what's the "right" thing to do. How do people who go through life being selfish and self absorb, get the things they want so easily?! How can they continue to behave in that way and the people in their lives let it happen and blow if off as "Oh that's just how they are and that's how they've always been." Well, that's unacceptable and I think I have given a fair dose of "chances" so I am not going to stand by and let it happen to me anymore. I have learned my lesson and from now on, I am not going to go there!!

What Could've Been

2009-10-18T22:04:00.003-05:00

Ever watch those movies that show a person's path in life had they made certain decisions?? This week as I come up on the 2 year anniversary of my co-worker getting sick, I find myself picturing how my life would've been.

This time 2 years ago, I approached my employer about dropping down to part-time status and beginning a Masters in Public Administration program (full time.)They agreed and I started to get my ducks in a row to go back to school. Then one afternoon my co-worker Sandy, left for the day, just like any other, only the next morning her life would never be the same.

She had an aortic aneurysm that night in which her artery split from her heart through her legs, the doctors were able to repair, but she loss a significant amount of blood and went into kidney failure. I spent months going to the hospital and visiting with her. I hardly ever caught her awake and always on the respirator. It was painful to see her like that and to know that she never had the opportunity to "tie up loose ends." After months, we thought she was making progress and she passed. I temporarily filled her position and a few months after her passing, got the job. I didn't realize that 2 years later, I would be where I am now and not anywhere close to going back to school.

I want so badly to be back in the classroom learning the skills I know I've already begun to develop. I want to be able to prove to my boss just how much I am worth and what a hardworker I am because I know sometimes, he just doesn't see it. I want to be earning the money I think I deserve, but know I will not until I have the credentials behind it. January 2011 is my goal to be back in school, with a husband to support me and hopefully enough time to finish before I have children.

But I still wonder, what if Sandy never got sick, where would I be??

A Major Let Down

2009-10-18T21:57:00.003-05:00

Weeks have passed since my last Couch to 5k entry. Needless to say, I have broken the routine, eaten horribly and have made no progress in the past 3-4 weeks. I had work stuff going on followed by a week long road trip that messed up my routine, not to mention all the eating out, entertaining and drinking.

This past Saturday was supposed to be my first race. A 3 mile fun run and I chickened out of signing up and running because I felt I wasn't ready. I need to get motivated again because I feel disgusted with myself and disappointed and not to mention completely let down because I failed at something I hoped to achieve.

I have come to love running, but find myself mentally telling myself I cannot do it, although physically I can. I find I am constantly making excuses for why I am skipping and I hate that. What happened to my motivation? Do I need a stronger partner? Maybe I should start Couch to 5k all over again?

I find myself sleeping in and not wanting to wake up even though morning is the best time for me to get up, get out and get it over with. I guess instead of staying up blogging I should be in bed and willing myself to wake up tomorrow morning for a nice, chilly run. Let's see if I've got the motivation!!

A Decade Ago...

2009-09-29T11:26:00.003-05:00

I was graduating high school and gearing up for my first semester at LSU.

I can still remember the events surrounding my "senior year" as I grew closer with my group of friends after a horrible first love break up. I was destructive and careless, but boy did I have fun. I remember on the way to LSU orientation I sobbed at the thought of leaving home and being in Baton Rouge. So 10 years later, I am the only one from my group of high school friends who has managed to stay in Baton Rouge and not move back to New Orleans.

This past Saturday night was our 10 year high school reunion and although I really planned on going to see Journey in concert, I went. It was nice to see people I hadn't seen, but the reality of it was... those conversations were short and superficial (just like high school). I basically attended an event in which I was hanging out with my friends which we do on a pretty regular basis minus a few that live out of town. So although it made me somewhat nostalgic for a moment, I'm just not that sentimental. Maybe it was just because I had so much wine before?! I'm sure that'll change for the next one!!

I Can Do It!

2009-09-14T12:35:00.001-05:00

So week 5 of Couch to 5k ended with a 20 minute straight run. I was dreading it especially since it fell on the evening of Labor Day. After a loooong weekend entertaining friends and stuffing myself with yummy crawfish bisque and taco dip I managed to make the 20 minute run.

It was exhilarating and I surprised myself. I've been so busy I didn't get to accurately blog about it and express my thoughts of that accomplishment. So this morning was end of week 6 and it was a 25 minute straight run. So at 6:30 am I ran for 25 minutes straight and it feels AMAZING!!!

To think, at the start of this program, I was tired after running 2-3 minutes and now I can do a full 25 minutes. I can't articulate the sense of accomplishment I feel and how amazed I am at myself. I emailed a few close friends this morning just to brag on myself!! I am looking forward to finishing and the last run of a straight 30 minutes is still scary to me, but am more confident that it can happen. We shall see...

What's Date Night?

2009-09-11T15:18:00.001-05:00

I think we used to have these at some point?!

Seems like when Friday arrives, I have to find my own source of entertainment for the evening. Sad part is, it's been so long since I've done happy hour or dinner and drinks on a Friday after work that I no longer have anyone to do these things with even if I were to make plans without him.

Fridays to him are just like any other day and most of the time he works late. For me, it's the end of my week and I'm ready to do something NOT go home and sit by myself. It would be nice to look forward to a dinner out or drinks, but I can never seem to get him to want to do something or go somewhere.

Often times I don't want to cook unless I am having ppl over, but then I get comments like "I come home and you've invited a house full of ppl." Well that's because I've had to plan for other people to entertain me.

Just this morning I asked if we could maybe go out to dinner this evening. Well I was immediately shot down and told "we didn't need to be doing that." Was I upset? Damn right, I'm upset. I can't just go out with just anyone anymore now that I'm engaged, and not that I want to, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to go out for a date night every now and then!!

Don't get me wrong, most weekends are jam packed with "my activities" and around "my schedule" but during the times they aren't, I think it would be nice to have a date night. So if it's like this now, I sure hate to see what happens when we have a family.

9 months to go

2009-09-04T11:16:00.003-05:00

Guess I need to get on the ball and start looking for things from the summer that have gone on sale and I can use as potential decorations for the reception.

I scheduled our engagement portraits, although not entirely sure what I will do with all those pictures of the two of us. Nonetheless hope that I'm looking good by then. Need ideas on what to wear for me and him!

Think we've got a DJ. He was recommended by my mother-in-law. Josh is apprehensive, but how much can a DJ really eff up?! Already even picked up a steal of a deal on some cute bridesmaids gifts.

Tomorrow I am going to order my wedding dress....again. I am confident that I've lost inches from the last time I measured so it should be exciting and I want to try it on again cause I love it so much (at least I hope I still do.)

Also on the agenda tomorrow is registry creating! I'm excited to pick out all the things to make my house complete. It's easy to do when you start with nothing... So 9 months to go, I think I'm in good shape.

Update: Couch to 5k

2009-09-01T16:35:00.005-05:00

Week 5...

I've been surprised at how well this program has been for me. I've really found the work outs to be good without being too strenuous on my body. It's brought on really positive changes... I feel better, I look better (at least I hope) and I have a constant desire to run! I definitely don't dread it even when I'm waking up early to do it. I even bought New Balance running shoes and for the first time in my life, I spent good money on them and had such a wonderful experience buying them.

I had no idea that there was so much science into buying a running shoe. Did you know that ppl with diabetes require wider shoes because their toes get more swollen?! That different things affect the type of shoe you should buy. I didn't realize the shoes I've had in the past weren't offering good enough support. Guess that explains why my foot would sometimes go numb when walking?! At any rate, the shoes I bought will actually help me achieve my goals and prevent injury!

At the end of this week, I will have a straight 20 minute run with no walks. Up until now it's been intervals even though the intervals for jogging have gotten longer and the intervals for walking have gotten shorter. I am nervous and in my mind am thinking how the heck am I going to be able to do that?!, but who knows maybe I'll surprise myself and what an awesome feeling that will be :)

Breaking Bread

2009-09-01T16:09:00.004-05:00

One of the things I've come to LOVE about this house is the proximity to some new friends and the ability to have friends come by without worrying about the dogs and mess, etc. Over the course of the 2 months we've been there, there have been several nights of spontaneous, last minute dinner get togethers that I've truly come to enjoy!!

While the majority of nights I cook and eat by myself (as I wait for my hardworking fiance to return home), some weeks when my schedule isn't crazy, we have nights like last night.

I've had to get used to pre-planning meals for us and so yesterday I had red beans cooking in the crock pot. My walking buddy/neighbor/and now new friend texted me to walk... in turn since I knew there was so much food, I invited them over for dinner. As we all ate and drank wine, we told stories and laughed. As the night ended and I cleaned the kitchen, I was truly happy to have lived those moments. I believe my friend summed it up best when she said, "Thanks Amy, I really needed this after the long day I've had." It was nice for me to have that outlet, to laugh and not think about work and the stresses of the day. This is the time in our lives for Josh and I to enjoy each other and the company of friends and I am thankful for that.

Couch to 5k

2009-08-06T10:39:00.003-05:00

I'm really doing it this time!

For most of my adult life, I've always wanted to be a runner. I am envious of those at the gym that get on the treadmill and just run steady. The idea of just taking off and "getting in a good run" has always made me jealous of those that could. I'm in love with the idea that one can just take off and use that time to be by yourself and just think or not think for that matter.

But the truth of it is, I run and I get tired. I let my brain tell me, I can't do it and I can't go anymore.

Well this week I started Couch to 5k. I heard about it from a coworker who said his gf went from not running at all to being able to run races in less than the time the program calls for (9weeks). So armed with a running partner (I'm not disciplined to do it alone) we have started the program. It's only week one, but I'm loving it.

This morning as we were running/walking we joked about what would happen if we became addicted to running. HAHA I shared a story about how often I dream of myself running for long periods of time and while dreaming my mind is telling me, "you dummy, you know you can't run like that." Well maybe in 9 weeks, I will.

10 months...

2009-08-05T09:45:00.003-05:00

Countdown is going by fairly quickly. Not sure if I am ready for how quick the rest will go down. I have been quite inactive as far as "wedding planning" goes.

Two weeks ago, we had a great engagement party and surrounded by lots of friends. I am way delinquent on getting out "thanks yous" but I ordered some really cute ones over the weekend. Not that I've forgotten about the ones I haven't received yet ;) (thanks Jillien) And even though we've got months before any of the other things, I am anxiously excited about the presents... Selfish huh?!

But with this house, I am so ready to start registering and piecing everything together. I'm tired of my fiance using a coffee mug for a ladle although I will admit was inventive until he said, "Look! Red neck ladle" and it totally ruined it for me. Too many things I want to run out and buy just so we have it and we have it NOW, but I am holding out for I know we will get them soon. The lesson in patience, has been VERY difficult for my "I want it now!" personality.

For now, I am content with it all and need to get my butt back in gear and start thinking about the little details.

Just the Way It Is

2009-07-28T15:45:00.002-05:00

Well my father is still not talking to me. He didn't want to attend the engagement party, although he did. When I walked up to see him, he didn't even acknowledge me. In fact, he carried on conversations with everyone but me. The next day when I saw him after his golf game, again he didn't acknowledge that I was even there.

I was upset. I still am upset. Makes me very sad and I feel like such a failure and disappointment. Every time I think about it, which is probably 2-3 times a day, I tear up. Why does it have to be like this? I know I am not the only person in the world who has moved in with their fiance!

My mom once said he's not going to come to the wedding. At this rate, I don't see how he would walk me up the aisle. How is it that I can be so happy with my life the way it is now, but at the same time be so sad.

My Furry is Now Fur-Less

2009-07-20T10:38:00.005-05:00

Not intentionally, but one trip to a new hair cutting place and WHAM! it's all gone. Apparently, when he told the girl, "trim it up" she totally misunderstood and I saw her take the trimmer straight through his beard. I have never seen him with no facial hair and he actually handled it a lot better than I did.

At least now it takes attention away from the black eye! Which BTW I am over what happened, I shouldn't have let it get me so aggravated. I am leaving town again this week, so hopefully all is well.

Anyway, I was a little sad to see it all go and at first I didn't like, but I think it's growing on me.

This picture was from this morning before a big presentation he had at school. He's sooo cute!

WANTED: Babysitter

2009-07-15T11:36:00.003-05:00

Not really, but that's how I feel after the events from this past weekend.

I was in Chicago which I LOVED!!! The weather was fantastic and I gave myself some slack and really enjoyed the food there. Another blog on that will follow.

My fiance isn't much for going out, at least not these days. He's a hard worker and often leaves home early and gets home late so he's not up to week night dinners or drinks. It's been good because I'm finally getting into the habit of cooking etc. and I know he's only working hard for "us." Today is Friday and I was thinking it would be nice for us the end the work week with a nice dinner out and maybe some drinks etc, but I get this "oh I have to work late" excuse. WTFE!!!

What I don't understand is why when I am not around, all of the sudden he feels the need to go out!! I'm not at all worried about other women or him bringing someone home, but what concerns me is that he can't take care of himself!!

As I think back, the times when I am not around and he goes out (by himself, nonetheless) something bad always happens. So this past Saturday, he went out to dinner with his old roommate and for some reason AFTER dinner he still felt the need to go out. FINE... whatever. And yet when I'm around, it's okay if we just sit home and don't do anything or go anywhere. I digress...

So he walks over to this bar around our house and somewhere between that time and the time he gets home, he was jumped by some guys. WTF?! I called him Sat night at 9:30pm and when I didn't get an answer I wondered what was up, but was too tired to stress about it. Well Sunday morning, I get a call and he fills me in on what had happened although many, many details were unclear.

My first reaction was concern for him, my next reaction was sadness for he was in pain and I was miles away to where I couldn't get back to him, I also felt guilty for leaving him and that happening and then I felt sorry for him because I knew his ego couldn't be in too good of shape after that incident.

But since I've been back, it's just bothering me a little more each day and now I'm angry.

1) We have no idea where his keys are. Someone explain to me how the boy got into our house and no keys are to be found?! I don't like that feeling that somewhere those keys are floating around and the probability that it's within a good range of our house is likely. Now I may be dramatic but now I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN MY OWN HOUSE!
2) Last night as I was going through the laundry I came across the bloody clothes and it was just little spots, but lots and lots of blood. Just how bad was it, really?? and the fact that there's no REASONABLE or LOGICAL explanation baffles me!!!
3) He doesn't even want to bring it up. Says he's learned his lesson, but has he really??
4) After all these combination of events, how am I supposed to leave town for work without having to worry about him, hence, the feeling that I need a babysitter. But then again he's a GROWN ASS MAN, he should be able to be by himself for one FREAKIN' weekend, without getting in trouble.

Where Did They Go Wrong?

2009-07-09T12:04:00.005-05:00

For weeks now, since I moved in with my fiance I have had this hanging situation over me. And as happy as I am in my new surrounding, the other side of me is unhappy knowing that my father was not okay with me doing so and that I have caused him to be so unhappy lately.

My father felt that I should be more traditional even though us moving in together doesn't signify any new "behaviors." To the rest of the world, I guess it wouldn't look right and I get that. I myself did not want that, however, the situation just presented itself that way and it was a practical move.

Lots of ppl have lived together before getting married, right?! So how does that leave me a child with no morals and no values.

My mother tells me all the time how disappointed my father is with how we've (my brother and I) turned out. My father apparently is disappointed I haven't gone on to receive my Masters degree and now to make it worse I'm living with my soon to be husband.

Well here's how I feel...
Forget that I graduated from a reputable college with a good degree and had a full time job lined up. Forget that I managed to land myself in a job where I carry a ton of responsibility and pressure all the while maintaining a professional demeanor and making a decent salary. I am now ENGAGED to the man I am living with and we're not just "playing house." We are going to make a commitment to be with each other for the REST OF OUR LIVES (which is scary enough) and yet I have no morals and no values...

Earning an advanced degree right now wouldn't do me any good anyway with the current job market and state of the economy etc. I think the experience I've had in the working world and what I've contributed through WIM has brought me more than what another diploma would do. And I NEVER said I wasn't going to ever go back. I am just waiting till I can establish my position at work and balance my personal life so that I can throw school into the juggling mix. Also having another income to supplement would lessen the burden (so I think.)

I also have NEVER been addicted to drugs or overly abusive with alcohol nor did I get myself pregnant during high school. So, WHAT IS IS ABOUT ME THAT IS SO DISAPPOINTING?? I know I'm not perfect and I have made some stupid decisions in my life i.e. my first boyfriend, but I think it's shaped the person I have become and i think the person I am is a good person with good morals and values. However, how am I supposed to feel good about myself and be happy if my parents think I am a big disappointment. Today I am sad.

Today I am Happy

2009-07-02T11:46:00.002-05:00

Today I am Happy...

Maybe because we are getting off early today and tomorrow is a holiday?
Maybe because I woke up this morning satisfied after a good night's sleep?
Maybe because I just had a Coke Zero when I've had nothing but water?
Maybe because I'm finally feeling better and not like the fat pig I was?
Maybe because I am getting settled at the new house?

I think there are lots of reasons for me to be happy right now and thought I'd capture that!

Laying Off and Laying It Out on the Line

2009-06-30T15:56:00.002-05:00

So yesterday, our boss "let go" an employee due to a recent decision and part of numerous budget cuts that are being made.

Today, my heart hurts thinking about this person and her feelings in all of this. 1) because I've been on the receiving end and know how it feels and 2) I see the other areas that really could use some tightening and prevented ALL of this in the first place.

Several years ago I suffered an unjust "lay off" and my inexperience and the fact that I was merely too young to know any better, I was traumatize from being "let go." I was devastated and embarrassed. Truth be told; I had a supervisor that didn't care to take the time to utilize the skills I had and I was making her look bad because I was constantly searching for things to do ultimately revealing that she in fact wasn't doing anything at all. It took many years to repair that experience in my mind and sometimes even though I've made it to where I am today... I haven't forgotten that awful day and that horrible experience.

This wasn't necessarily the case for this person... in fact admittedly she wasn't really working to her capability nor did she go out of her way too. This led to me have it out for her, but as time when on there was improvement. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't her fault?! What if just maybe it was actually the fault of her supervisor?? At any rate it's too late to do anything about it now because she's gone. No goodbyes, no well wishes for her future and that makes me sad :( For the day it happened to me and the sad state I was in; I had co-workers reach out and comfort me although they knew there was nothing they could do for me.

In the end, it has landed me where I am now. And as I sit in the position I have and as I sit through these board meetings and committees etc, I realize just how much ppl are in it for their own selfish agendas and not for the greater good. How disappointing huh?! I think I work really hard at what I do and sometimes I probably care a little too much and most of the time I realize that 85% of the time that leads me to disappointment. I am VERY much in need of a break from this life... or at least a revival of some hope that what I call "a job" can bring me some sense that I am making a difference to someone.

Thank Yous

2009-06-24T16:28:00.003-05:00

Last year during Hurricane Gustav I requested the help of a stranger in Shreveport, LA. I had to make a payment on my car insurance and all the office between NO and BR were shut down. This kind lady took my info and found out what I needed to do in order to take care of the matter and that was that. I paid my bill and the next day, I wrote her a little note that just said, "thanks for being so nice and taking time out of your day to help a stranger." Never heard anything back, but I didn't expect to either.

Surprise!! Yesterday sitting in my desk's INBOX was a card. Inside the card read, " Amy, I want to thank you for sending me a card last year during the hurricanes. I look at it often and smile, just knowing that someone took the time to say thanks. I hope all is well with you. I know you have blessed a lot of people just for being who you are. Take care of yourself."

Just when I had forgotten all about it, I got a nice little reminder. It made my day knowing that such a simple gesture made a little difference. It makes all the difference to me when someone treats me like they are willing to help that I try to live my life doing the same. It makes me overjoyed that this complete stranger feels I bless people just by being who I am.

His, Hers and Ours

2009-06-22T09:27:00.002-05:00

Well Josh and I are one step closer to the "ours" part. We are now officially moved in together! There is no more "my house" or "your house." There will be no more "So what are the plans for tonight?! your house or mine?"

It has been bittersweet for me. As much as I disliked being in a cluttered condo with my brother, his girlfriend, and their dogs; I have not lived apart from my brother all but 2 years of our lives and so that chapter of my life has ended. From this day forward, we more than likely won't ever be in the same household again.

At the same time, a new beginning is ahead for me and my soon to be husband. From today forward, we are building our home and our life together. This house makes me overjoyed at that possibility and the fact that it's "just us."

Last night was our first night sleeping in the new house and it was wonderful to wake up this morning after a good night's sleep in our very own home.

Moving day post to follow...with pictures and my experience getting rid of the junk that has accumulated.

Why Does This Stuff Always Happen to Me?

2009-06-14T10:55:00.002-05:00

Disclaimer: this particular post has to do with a feminine emergency and although funny for me now, can be gross. if you CAN'T handle, I would NOT READ.

This past week I have been in New Orleans working with our Leadership group. We were meeting at the Hotel Monteleone in the French Quarter all day Thursday and 1/2 day Friday.

Well my monthly visitor came about Wednesday night as I checked into the hotel. No big deal, I was expecting her. The next morning, I woke up a bit tired and proceeded to get ready. A bit distracted and thinking of a million different things I had going on, I put a tampon in and went about the rest of my preparations... hair, makeup, ironing my clothes etc.

THe meeting begins and it's quite hectic... one guy was an a$$ to the hotel staff over not getting a free upgrade, others were canceling reservations they asked me to extend, we had internet issues in the meeting space, on and on and on... So this really threw me off track because these things usually run smoothly

Well by lunch, I was worried they would complain about the food choices since the last mtg we had in April that was the only complaint on the evaluations. I nervously watched as they ate and realized, they were actually pleased. Whew!!

About that time, it was time for a potty break for me. I went and noticed some spotting. I thought to myself, "huuummmm, that's strange I have a tampon in?" The next chance I got, I went to my room to change it out. Well, IT WASN'T THERE!!! I am panicking!!! Where the hell did it go?!

I was confused, I was worried, I was embarrassed, I mean who do I call??

Well I called my friend, nurse Kim. She tells me of a similar incident her mother had in which she didn't find out till weeks later one was there and she had to go to the doctor. Meanwhile, I am thinking to myself "how do I explain this situation to my boss in order for me to leave to take care of this?!" My dr's office was an hour and half away. At that point I'm thinking emergency room! She suggested I call my dr's office. The nurse assured me that if I didn't feel anything there than 99% chance that it's not there. She said that I wasn't the first call she had on this and she's sure it won't be the last. And although I understand that reasoning I'm still thinking "Well, where the heck did the sucker go?!" I even asked if it had gotten sucked up someplace that it shouldn't have. So I spent some time further inspecting and NOTHING. That night I showered and inspected again and NOTHING. Same thing the next morning, NOTHING. As I sit here now, I still don't know where the thing went, but I'm pretty sure that once again if I inspected, it would be NOTHING.

Could I have been that absent minded that it would've fallen out without me noticing?!

I've Been Tagged!

2009-06-14T10:49:00.002-05:00

This picture was from my trip to Ashville. My friend Jen and I went to the Biltmore and I loved it!!! The house was beautiful, the weather was nice, and the gardens were colorful and I got lots of ideas for wedding flowers.

Like any trip when you have 2 ppl, you have to take turns taking photos and/or wait till you can grab another person to take a picture of the two of you. In this case, this photo was one that Jen took of me among the rows of gorgeous tulips!

The first one was terrible, she took it and every roll on my body was visible so I made her do it again and this was the end product. Jillien, since I don't know anyone else on here, I have no one to tag so this officially ends with me :(

Happy Birthday, Josh!

2009-06-07T17:23:00.002-05:00

Today is my fiance's 28th birthday! He's the BEST thing that's happened to me and somehow the past 2 yrs I've put other ppl before him.

Last year, it was my best friend's family wedding and this year it's to be home with my grandmother while my parents are in New York on vacation. If the roles were reversed I know I wouldn't be as understanding as him and I hope he knows that I at least am aware of that.

This time next year, we'll be married and I vow to forever make his birthday special.

A Season of Changes- the Countdown begins

2009-06-07T16:58:00.003-05:00

So many things have happened in the past two weeks, I am not sure where to begin!!

First and foremost, the 1 yr countdown till the wedding has begun. We are both experiencing a lot of changes and I think they are exciting ones.

On Thursday I planned to celebrate Josh's birthday and the countdown till our wedding. When I got home there was a beautiful pink rose and bottle of champagne on the table. I asked what the occasion was and it was for the 1 yr mark. He continues to amaze me.

Earlier that same day, I looked at a few rental properties in the area that we've been looking and found a 2br/1ba house that we just jumped on!!! I committed to it before he even saw it. I am so glad that we didn't go with the previous apt we view which is much, much smaller. At any rate, we are moving in a week or so to our very own place. I feel rushed and I feel totally unprepared, but doing this with him puts me at ease and I know we'll handle whatever comes up together.

So that same night we went to Texas de Brazil for dinner. It was such a GREAT experience and although the amt of champagne I had before dinner likely jaded my experience, it was still very enjoyable... I am anxious to try it the next time without a buzz and it'll have to be a "splurge."

That next morning, I had a consult with my doctor. Last week I had a blood test that I embarrassingly didn't finish because I got nauseous and vomited in front of the doctors office. I was so mortified and thought I blogged about the experience, but apparently I didn't. Anyway, the results are frightening.

I have been classified with pre-diabetic symptoms and have begun and VERY AGGRESSIVE treatment which includes oral medication 4 times a day, as well as a DRASTIC change in my eating and exercise habits. I have no choice but to get this under control. I am really scared of what will happen if I don't get this under control at the same time, really worried that I don't have the will power to fight this. The good news is so many ppl in my life are willing to do this with me and support me. I am very hopeful that my life will be better and this is the wake up call that I needed. I think it will be a trying process for sure! For example, I started my medication just this morning and already I've experienced the unpleasant side effects. I have already become acutely aware of everything I have and want to put into my mouth. I HATE having to think about it so much and restricting myself, but I guess it's that carelessness that has gotten me to the point that I am. (This should make for interesting future blogs)

So really the past 2 weeks have just had many changes and so much to look forward to. I can't help but feel anxiety over the changes and also feel incredibly guilty for putting my job on hold because I'm too busy dealing with personal issues. Stay tuned...

Picking Up an Old Habit

2009-06-03T14:08:00.002-05:00

Today, I signed up for Adult Advanced Beginner Tennis lessons.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how good I was at playing tennis. My mom spent thousands and thousands on lessons with the tennis pro at our country club growing up and as soon as I got to 13 and competed with 17 yr olds, I quit. Typical of me, but it has always been something I regretted doing.

I played in high school but our team was pretty much a joke. I started again in college but could never find a steady partner. I played for a little while with a coworker but she was so damn competitive that I quite doing that with her as well. Well I am going again, by myself, and I want to stick to it! I want to get to where I can compete again and join a league.

I think it's going to be a great way to meet some other ppl (not that I need more friends) but I also think it's a great way for me to get my fat a$$ active again.

Now all I have to do is find my tennis racket and get some new tennis shoes :)

Keeping Secrets-It's All in the Family

2009-05-28T20:17:00.001-05:00

So for days now I've had this one situation hanging over me... so maybe if I blog about it can ease my mind.

One of my fiance's sisters often calls me and asks my advice on things, or vents about things and often times we talk about a range of things and it's no big deal. Lots of times we do talk about things that she would prefer my fiance not find out about.

Well for the past couple of week's she's been trying to get into another apartment. Mind you she is in one that has a 1 yrs lease and the new apt was wanting a co-signer. we had discussed it back and forth and I advised her on what to do etc. So things fall into place and the new apt accepts her without a co-signer but wouldn't you know, her landlord was not going to let her out of her lease. So me being a little older and somewhat wiser (although not really because up until a year ago i've never had to deal with rent, but that's beside the point) advised her to get her situation straightened out before getting into another agreement.

Well she doesn't and next thing I know she's getting ready to move into this new place. So in my frustration I tell my fiance. He calls her up and advises her to do the same and really be careful before she messes up her credit.

So the following night, I get a text msg about how I betrayed her trust because I told my fiance and that it really hurt her that I did that and how would I feel if she would have told her brother things I said not to say.

Well when the things that I wanted to keep secret were things like:
I went shopping today and spent $700 but don't tell your brother or I went out for lunch 3 days this week, don't tell your brother. Not major impacting decisions like she was getting into.

So am I at fault for opening my mouth, sure a little... did I deserve for her to say I "betrayed" her?! Hell freakin' no. I am upset and aggravated about it and dealing with my feelings on how my relationship will be with this family.

I mean all families have their dysfunctions and yeah she may be able to say things like that to her own brother and sister, but I don't think our relationship warrants that (not yet anyway). The sad thing of it all is she doesn't even realize what that's done to our relationship.

Comical Dialogue

2009-05-26T20:14:00.007-05:00

Memorial Day afternoon, sitting in Jillien's kitchen enjoying turkey burgers and souped up 7layer dip. I'm terrible at remembering things esp conversations and so my paraphrase is not entirely accurate, but close enough to what happened.

Josh says, "...Yeah well every time she gets upset me, she doesn't say anything she just gets on the computer and writes a blog about it"

I look around, holding back laughter with this "I'm totally busted!" look on my face. (like I didn't already know)

Jillien says, "Oooohhhhh?!" holding back the laughter herself knowing exactly what he's referring to, but not going to say anything.

Josh turns to Jillien and says, "Like you don't know what I'm talking about, you're one of the only followers on there."

All broke out in laughter.

Isn't it nice to know that no space is sacred anymore?!

Little Surprises

2009-05-21T19:48:00.003-05:00

This morning when I got into the car to go to work...there was a single pink rose with a note that said, "No matter what you are the best thing to happen to me and I love you very much!! Have a great day"

It got me thinking about my original expectations of sweetness and it would be a surprise delivery of flowers at the office or a handwritten card from Hallmark, but in looking back at all the "little surprises" I've gotten I appreciate just how thoughtful and sincere they are.

I don't need a card someone else wrote when I can have an original note. I don't need a dozen flowers when one single one was hand picked and cut. I don't need a fancy dinner out when in my lunchbox has a single rose on top of my leftover dinner that HE cooked from the night before.

So although there are a few issues that could stand working out, I've come to alter my expectations and appreciate the little surprises.

Follow Up: MedSouth Record Management

2009-05-19T13:51:00.004-05:00

Apparently, the CEO of the company handles client inquiries and issues the same way that the employees do. See previous blog here. Which really means that they go ignored.

I sent an email to the CEO of MedSouth Record Management on Friday, May 8 and have yet to receive a response much less an "I'm sorry for your inconvenience."

I am discouraged by this severe lack of customer service and plan on telling anyone that I can about my exprience.

However, the good thing is I brought my medical records myself to my appointment and the doctor took the time to review them (all 10 yrs of it) as I was there so no harm done in the end.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

2009-05-10T20:38:00.007-05:00

I wrote the following blog following an incident last week. In my anger, I posted it and the next day I moved it to "draft" mode to spare anymore drama. However, after this past weekend I feel it is important to note this is going on for my sake.

How come men don't understand that if they were up front to begin with then things wouldn't turn into the big deal that it is?!

I don't think I am THAT unreasonable or THAT controlling. I don't think that it's THAT hard for me to understand things. See my "Infuriated" post.

So let me explain what it means to ME when YOU knowingly omit something...and maybe then you can understand what the big f****g deal is?!

So you went to this place with your friends. You KNEW that I didn't care and you also KNEW that their wife and fiance did, so why do you think that's OKAY to omit that part of the recap and think I'm over-reacting when it comes to light??

I am NOT mad that you went. I am NOT mad that you were there. I TRUST that you didn't do anything you weren't supposed to do. But when it comes to light because someone "slipped" and you DIDN'T tell me after I asked you about it; what exactly do you think my reaction should be??

You are so worried about your friends and their significant others that you FAILED to realize what this means for YOU. It means that I CAN'T really trust you now can I?! That had it not "slipped" I would go on NOT knowing and in my mind... and to me you might as well have lied to me and done something you weren't supposed to do. Cause from this point on,how can I trust you when you?!

Give me a break and let me in to know things whether you think I should know them or not. In the real estate world, it's better to disclose, disclose, disclose. I try to give you that same respect, the LEAST you could do is do the same for me.

After the events of this past weekend and paired with what happened just LAST weekend, I find myself conflicted and very worried. I am dreaming about these incidents now and questioning my relationship. I am thinking to myself how hard it would be to start over and at the same time wondering if I will go on like this. I see how it can pose problems in the future if it isn't addressed now. I hate this feeling and I don't know that there is a way to change it. I started looking back at all these scenarios and I see a common thread in all of them. Each time it's followed with an apology, but is that really enough?!

Customer Service

2009-05-10T15:46:00.004-05:00

I've had a long family history of female cancers on both sides of my family. And most women will know that this certainly means increased risk for myself.

For years I've been seeing the same doctor as my mother. The same doctor that has treated us and understood our history. Well at my last visit she announced that she was retiring and no longer practicing. In my mind, I knew that in the 10 yrs I haven't been in New Orleans that it was inevitable that one day I would need to find my own dr in Baton Rouge, but I opted to cross that bridge when that time came.

Well the time came. It took me months to finally decide who I wanted to go with. Someone who based on recommendations from tons of women in the area I finally decided I wanted to try out. In scheduling my appointment, I needed to obtain a copy of my medical records for my new doctor.

So each doctor's office kept going back and forth on who was actually responsible for getting the records. Since my old dr is long gone, I really felt the staff that remained could give a sh** less about what I needed, but anyway I requested the medical records for myself and asked they be sent to my new doctor.

A few weeks later, I received an invoice for the records. That until the invoice was paid, the records remained uncopied. I didn't expect to pay for them since it was my understanding that records were sent to other doctors as a professional courtesy, but nonetheless I just sent in payment.

A week after that I received a package in the mail with my address scribbled on the envelope and upon opening it was my medical records. Confused as to why they were sent to me, I called MedSouth to see why my records were sent to me when my request was clearly to be sent to the new doctor to an address that I already provided. I left a message for someone to call me back.

Fast forward another 3 weeks and several voicemails later and still no response. Then finally Friday afternoon I reach someone and asked and I was told that it was "policy." Well I am just aggravated that I paid for a service, was not contacted about this "policy" and now my new doctor who NEEDS to see my medical history will be seeing it for the first time when I bring him the records at my first appointment.

I don't understand how people have a job to do and don't care enough to do it and still get away with it. I think customer service is such an important skill in every line of work and many people lack the ability to handle situations with ease to avoid conflict. All of this frustration could've been avoided had the person I left messages for just returned my call and explained the "policy" to me. I emailed the CEO with my complaint, I am hoping it gets addressed.

Are We Ever REALLY Ready?

2009-05-04T22:00:00.003-05:00

My grandfather is sick. At 98 yrs old, he's too old to be fixed with surgery and without it, there may not be an answer to help him. I want to see him before he passes, for the last time was too long ago. Being that he's in THailand and we've been here it's not like we are close, but still I don't want to lose him because I don't want to see my mother sad. She will be absolutely heartbroken and helpless. I remember the night my mom got the call about my grandmother. Although she had been sick and had cancer and it spread quicker than anyone anticipated, I remember as a young girl seeing my mother grieve. I don't want that for her and I'm sad knowing that he's not doing well.

He told my mom he was waiting to see "the American" when we went to get married there, but now it's a possibility that he may not make it. Its still early and they haven't made any major decisions and although I am hopeful that all will be fine, I am still worried for the "what if" and it's got me thinking.

I am thinking about my grandmother that raised me. The same grandmother that I slept with more nights in my life than my own mother. The grandmother who caters to everything I want. The grandmother that begs for me to come visit and I make it only when its convenient for me and there's nothing else going on for the weekend. And although its easy to lose patience with her, I know I would absolutely be beyond devastated if something were to happen. My co-worker lost her grandmother last week and I feel for her, cause no matter what kind words you want to say, it doesn't take away the hurt or the sorrow. I don't know how I would be if I were in her shoes and how I would hold up.

Another work acquaintance lost her brother after he battled for his life. And although his passing signifies an end to his suffering, it doesn't replace the loss you feel right?! I've been fortunate to NOT have experienced hurt like this so far, that in truth, I would rather myself pass on than to experience losing someone close to me and experiencing that pain. I wouldn't be able to hold it together I am simply not ready for that.

Corks N Canvas Part 2

2009-05-04T21:51:00.002-05:00

Here's my latest painting creation...
Although not completely mine since the studio sketched it before we even got there. I can also see every place where I messed up the strokes of paint I put in the wrong places. Nonetheless it was an evening spent with good friends.

Weekend in North Carolina....

2009-04-27T21:41:00.004-05:00

As I sit here and blog from the ledge of my window sill as the mountain air beams across my body and in the distance I hear a waterfall I am relaxed by where I am and what I've done for the past few days but at the same time I am sad that tomorrow I will return to the reality that is my life.

My room has a mountain view and this place is spectacular!! I can't imagine not being able to share this with Josh one day. I think this is the place that we should "honeymoon." Nothing would be better than a nice drive through the mountains and staying at this wonderful, relaxing retreat in Asheville.

This past weekend was just what I needed in my life to break up what has been so stressful and hard on me. I flew in town Saturday and spent the weekend with my long time friend and now bridesmaid. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we caught up. We toured the Biltmore which appropriately makes me even MORE into the Luxe series that I am currently reading.

I have always envied the lives of the filthy rich from the late 19th century and early 20th century families. How awesome it would be to have lived such a privileged life!!! The gowns, the parties, the mansions, the help, the horse drawn coaches with the driver. It amazed me as we toured the "getaway home" of the Vanderbilts and I imagined what it would have been like to have been a guest at their place.

I don't want to leave here, i still feel like I need a few more days away but on the other hand I miss my fiance and I miss my own bed.

I am looking forward to resting and reading the rest of the Luxe while the mountain breeze flows through my room...for tomorrow, it's back to reality... meetings in the early morning followed by a return flight home :( Pictures of Grove Park Inn to follow tomorrow

Enough!

2009-04-22T14:33:00.004-05:00

At some point, things get too much and you just don't know how much more you can take. I am at that point this week!!

For example, I think if something is REALLY bothering you then you should take steps to ease that or change that. But if you are faced with the opportunity to do so and you don't, then really you forfeit that right.

Secondly, I absolutely HATE money matters. With trying to get wedding stuff off the ground again, I am facing dealing with decisions I like versus whether or not I can afford it. I WANT to be able to afford it.

I am crabby this week and don't want to deal with anyone and feel very irritated. So I am aggravated even more so that my hormones are all f**ked up.

Always the Goofball

2009-04-08T15:24:00.005-05:00

Why does he always insist on making goofy faces?! These are just a few that I found on my laptop. Always so silly!! Which is totally the opposite of me and I guess I am no longer embarrassed by it all.

Work Burnout

2009-03-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

I know that on a day to day basis the people I deal with appreciate what I do and the job I do in my role here.

On a day to day basis, ppl need me to answer their questions and help them achieve their goals. But honestly, when you look at the bigger picture and have to deal with boards and committees they don't get what you do on a day to day basis and it sucks!!

When faced with tough times financially, I understand the need for scrutiny at every level. But, I know within myself that what I do is totally and utterly to the best of my ability and with the most efficiency of resources.

What I notice and get aggravated over is that the ones who aren't like this, don't realize they should be the ones cutting back or the one making changes, that it is that much harder for someone who already is to make that much more of a sacrifice while other maintain their bad behaviors.

Also, if you are going to cut one person who is doing a good job of various opportunities that further help them perform well in exchange for someone who maybe isn't doing such a good job and is LAZY in order to "waste" resources, then that really sucks and you wonder why the better employee is burnt out!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2009-03-25T21:04:00.002-05:00

Click the title to see the posts from lots of others....

But for a few months now I've been wondering why I've been experiencing all these hormonal changes ie the constant hunger, migraines, fatigue the bloatedness oooh the bloatedness,mood swings, depression, the late periods, the heavy periods (which i haven't had in years) and absolutely NO sex drive...well I came across lots of posts and articles on the side effects of the generic brand for Yasmin birth control!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!Are you serious?! How could this have happened.. If I would've realized, I would've NEVER switched!!!!! I was having NO problems before and merely switched cause the pharmacist said a generic was available. I don't care that it's only $10, I would pay anything to not have done this to myself!!!

It's been 6 months or more that I've been on the generic and there have been drastic changes in me!!!!! All of the above symptoms have dramatically impacted my life and me. I am devastated and I feel so betrayed... I thought generic was supposed to be the same?!

I am however relieved that I can make sense of it all and not continue to think that I was going crazy. Will I ever get back to myself???

Glamour Highlights American Women

2009-03-23T21:50:00.003-05:00

And I came across a quote surprisingly from Madonna, but I really liked it.

"It's better not to expect approval from people, because you'll just be disappointed. You have to be who you are."

Well this is something I struggle with on a daily basis and I constantly strive to be better at. I DO seek the approval of others and I DO like to have reassurance and I am totally aware that I do that and work every day at trying to do it less and less. But how appropriate of a quote this is for me... this and her song "Material Girl." Click for the lyrics...HAHA

The King of New Orleans

2009-03-15T22:00:00.002-05:00

Friday night Better than Ezra played at the Varsity.
Since I attended their last charity event at the House of Blues, I've wanted to see them play live again. When I found out they would be in Baton Rouge I got tickets to go. I have always been a big fan and have enjoyed their music since the early days of college.

The show was great...they really rocked it!! They played all the old ones and they sampled some new ones and it's been a long time coming, but they are coming back with another album. They introduced a new drummer who I thought was pretty hot the way he jammed out. I watched in awe the whole show and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Upon leaving the concert, we went to meet up with a friend's boyfriend and their bachelor party at the Gold Club. As we watched a series of unattractive strippers do their thing; I turned around and noticed none other than two of BTE band members in the back of the room including the new drummer. I was soooo starstruck!!! Wanting and hoping for the opportunity to tell them how GREAT I thought the show was. Well, they never were freed from the lap dances and booty grinding long enough for me to even approach. So needless to say, I can't think of them in the same way after seeing that, but enjoyed myself nonetheless. I now know where to find them after their next show though!!!

How Much is Too Much?

2009-03-11T14:54:00.002-05:00

I started thinking last night about all the things I've got to keep with via the Internet and Web 2.0 stuff and I started thinking, how much is too much?? So here's my list:

1) Managing not 1 BUT 5 email addresses: 1 personal, 2 work related, 1 Women in Media related, 1 wedding.
2) Profiles accounts on Facebook, Linkedin AND now Twitter (thank goodness i got rid of Myspace)
3) a blog (currently just this one)
4) a wiki (although I have no clue how to work it)
5) an instant messenger system between an old aim, gmail chat, yahoo and now windows live
6) a login ID with shopper info stored for just about every store imaginable
Amazon, Ann Taylor, American Express, Banana Republic, Best Buy, Bed Bath & Beyond, Capital One, The Limited, QVC and Victoria's Secret and prob more...
7) My own customized iGoogle
8) Participating in listservs through work for both communication and education directors
9) Maintaining the Women in Media website
10)a YouTube account
11)at one point Photobucket and I'm not even sure if I have that still, but Walgreen's photo sharing
12)RSS feeds of other blogs I follow
13)Favorites of sources for recipes, health, exercise and hollywood gossip
I can't even think of any others but I know there are more.

So is this too much?? Is this about average? Above average? Am I too out there and do I need to just get rid of stuff??

Infuriated!!!

2009-03-08T17:20:00.002-05:00

Why is it that I deal with someone who doesn't know how to determine when enough is enough?! I thought we were OVER THIS already!! Why is it that I am the one with the problem and NOT the other way around.

How much of this can I take before I decide: You know what? F**K this I don't want this nor do I F**CKIN' need it?! I don't think I'm too uptight or controlling or too much of a stick in the mud that deserves to have this rebellious, immature and infuriating behavior!!! It upsets me and it makes me angry and it makes me REALLY want to say the cruelest and ugliest things. What makes me more mad... is that it causes me to feel helpless and want to do something to retaliate that would only be more detrimental to the situation.

All Eyes On Me.... Just like a CIRCUS!

2009-03-04T15:36:00.002-06:00

Last night I went to the Britney Spears concert and although I enjoyed myself I can't help but feel conflicted in my answer when people have asked me, "SO, How was it?"

I am glad she's back and I hope this can be the comeback for her career that everyone's hyping it to be. And although the show was entertaining with it's acrobats and jugglers and the awesome dancers accompanying the beat of the music; I was disappointed that I basically paid to listen to her CD amplified by the many speakers in the arena.
** Let me explain my thoughts before any Britney fans get upset**

As an artist, I've always enjoyed her music. In fact, I LOVE her earlier music!! Prior to all of her personal struggles and breakdown, she was a fantastic performer and last night's show is a good comeback, but definitely not as pumped up as I anticipated it to be.

Here's what I was disappointed in:
1)There was just NO audience interaction, she didn't even welcome the crowd after the first song performance. Esp since it was in her home state a quick "Hey New Orleans, I'm so glad to be kicking off my tour here" would've sufficed.

2)The opening act was exclusive to one far end of the stage, which was blocked to an entire side for the beginning introduction of the show and YES I was on the somewhat blocked side. Why didn't they have the circus performers do their thing on both sides?!

3)All the fans were ridiculous. It was a mixture of teeny boppers and grown ups all hyped up and excited for Britney and they were rude. (notice the trend of my low tolerance in rude people see Bridezilla post)

4)This is probably the biggest problem I had. If I'm paying to go see a concert, wouldn't it only be right if I actually heard the artist sing?? I mean when you have nosebleed seats it becomes important to still hear the artist. Well although Britney gave a good performance with her dancing (which was very borderline strip tease), she wasn't even really singing!! We were all listening to her CD with 19,000 other ppl around.

Overall I'm glad I was there and I enjoyed it, but I guess I left needing more.

Bridezillas

2009-03-01T23:08:00.002-06:00

So it seems that lately all I have to write about is wedding stuff... so today I'll continue about my first bridal show. Since my wedding is close to a year and a half away, I know there will be plenty more, but I am not sure if I will dare go again.

The show began at 1pm. And in true Amy fashion, I am arriving at 1:30. Well it's packed!!!! cars are lined up waiting to get to the parking area and swarms of females are falling in line. I am still not over the fact that some chicks actually had their fiances there with them. If I were to subject my fiance to that, the wedding would probably have been called off.

So whatever, there's a lot of people, its still probably got a good variety of vendors and what not. Well it was so jam packed that it was difficult to even stop and really talk to any of the vendors. Overall, I wasn't too impressed with the ones there.

So next we stand in line for food. Thank goodness we filed in when we did because that was an even longer line. Now the food I thought was decent although couldn't really taste since I was slightly hungover.

The fashion show was nice. There were lots of dresses that were beautiful including the one I had earmarked from one of my magazines. I am so anxious to get to the part where I am trying on dresses!!!! Although I'm still working on my body for that.

Anyway, the one impression that I couldn't get over today was the number of brides there... and how rude everyone was. There was not a place I walked that some girl didn't bump into me and on top of that, there was no apology that followed. There was not a minute that people didn't have rude expressions on their faces and when it came to raffling of prizes, those that won weren't even thankful that they were chosen. Also, I got the feeling that just because so much attention is given to the "brides" that the girls walked around with this entitled attitude and that everyone was to bow to them just because some sucker has proposed to them.

I sound so bitter, but although I am excited about my wedding... I am not going to shove someone out the way for at 15% off coupon for invitations, or I am not going to cut in front of someone for a sample of wedding cake and I sure as hell would've been appreciative if I would've one a FREE photography session or a FREE set of stationery!!!

The Secret

2009-02-25T12:50:00.002-06:00

I finished "The Last Lecture" and although I thought it was good, I didn't have the "OMG that book changed my life, kinda feeling" It's hard to put yourself in the mind frame of living each day as if it were you last when you aren't really in that situation.

Anyway, "The Secret" is the new book I'm reading.

It focuses on the Law of Attraction and as I was getting into it last night I realized that I have negative thoughts more often than not, so it's no wonder why some things have happened to me.

So I am making a conscious decision to change my thinking and hopefully, good things will start happening for me. Not that I'm really complaining because I am blessed in many ways...I just realized in reading last night that when you concentrate so hard on what you DON'T want to happen, often times it ends up happening. We shall see...

Going to the Chapel...

2009-02-24T12:17:00.002-06:00

And we're going to get maaaaarriiieddd.

Went to the church yesterday to meet with our wedding coordinator. Not as bad as I thought (probably because she's known the family for so long so she was nice). It was actually pretty pleasant and no rules are unbearable or unreasonable.

I was concerned about only being limited to 6 attendants, well problem solved...I can have 8, but I am not allowed to share that with anyone. Hehehe

I had questions about the music and singers and no major issues there that are earth shattering. Sorry Jillien, we are going to use church singers cause of the rules...I'll explain.

I was worried about the date lining up. No worries, that date is ours. June 4, 2010 it is ladies and gents. It's finally coming together...

I was worried about having a place to get dressed and get ready and out to the church with 5 o'clock traffic etc, but that's been solved as well (although i may make a few slight modifications)

I was worried about the church telling me what kind of dress I had to wear...well there are no restrictions on that for myself or for my attendants.

I was worried about the groomsman and HIS friends getting out of hand, however, the church has a STRICT policy about no alcohol BEFORE the ceremony whatsoever. The reason being so that you go into your marriage with a clear mind etc. The priest has even refused to perform the wedding on several occasions and the coordinator made that clear. So I am relieved.

The next step is selecting a priest or deacon. I am leaning toward Father Andrew (the clark kent from smallville look alike) or my friend's father. I will need to talk to Mr. Greg before making any permanent decisions.

Lastly, last night we also had to take the church's compatibility test. It was 150 questions and some of those points were thought provoking. BUT honestly, all the issues we have, we understand why we have them and have talked about them as a couple already. So nothing is a surprise at this point, although there are some topics ie...finances and children that haven't been discussed. In two weeks we find the results and we'll begin discussions then about our differences. For now, I'm relieved and feeling a little less stressed about it all.

Making Progress

2009-02-20T16:20:00.001-06:00

Finally getting somewheres with the wedding planning. I have a date and a place and it fits in with a church. Not going to jynx it though till I get some paperwork going on and can confirm the date. I am excited that I can move through this part and start concentrating on the fun things, ie showers, dresses, invites...

Eeekk.... getting the guest list together is going to be a nightmare!